"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..."
--Isaiah 43:1-3
When I left Todd the first time I visited him, I was rejuvenated. My mind had been completely changed the moment I saw Todd. I was able to forgive him for everything. I know that you probably don't believe me, and that is fine, because honestly, I doubt I would have believed someone saying that they forgave EVERYTHING their drug-addict husband had done to them and their child. I don't know what to attribute to the fact that I forgave him in that instance except for God's divine plan for our lives. Because if I had not been able to forgive him right then, I wouldn't have been able to be open-minded to the changes that were about to take place in not only our family's life, but my life.
As I left Fort Worth that weekend, Todd and I agreed I would come back the following weekend. You see, we had so much to talk about and get caught up on that the 2 hours we were able to have with each other wasn't enough. We needed more time to see where we were headed next. I needed more time to get to know the new, growing Todd. I called Nick, the home director, during the week and asked him if I would be able to come down and visit him. He didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. He said Todd would be going to a conference in San Antonio the following Sunday and that "I was welcome to come, but I would only be able to sit with him at church. He would be leaving immediately after service." Perfect. That was all I needed. Just to be able to sit by him. That weekend came and went. I got to see Todd and only talk to him for a few minutes after church. But it was fine.
During the time Todd was in the home for the first 2 months, his grandpa was back in Benton getting worse. After falling one day and breaking his hip, he was admitted to the hospital, never to return home again. I remember the night Todd's dad called me. I had already gone to bed and was asleep, but told them to call me if anything happened. Steve said, "Meagan, he's gone." I went to visit Pawpaw and the rest of the family at the hospice center. It was surreal that this was happening and Todd wasn't able to be around for it. Especially, now that he was sober and actually able to feel REAL feelings. I hated and hurt for him the entire time I was there. I was scared too though. Honestly, I was scared he would come home for good. I was scared his family would want him to stay home. I didn't want him home...yet. I honestly wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared. I went to Fort Worth the next morning to pick Todd up. I was relieved to have him be able to come home, but broken about the circumstances.
At home, Todd was looked to for strength, probably for the first time in his life. He handled the pressure well. I knew he was heart broken because he wasn't able to be there the last moments of Pawpaw's life, but he didn't think about it at that time. He thought about taking care of everyone else in his family. This was one of the first signs to me that Todd was changing. As an addict, he was completely consumed in his feelings and his agenda. It didn't matter what anyone else wanted or asked; he was going to do his OWN thing. Not this time though. He was aware of everyone's well-being, not his.
The day after the funeral, I took Todd back to Fort Worth. It wasn't a good drive. The entire time, he was nervous and sick at his stomach. By that time, I was beginning to understand the strain the Victory Home can put on someone. We stopped and ate at a place about an hour away. Both of us couldn't eat anything because we knew what was coming up: SEPARATION. Again. Except this time there were about four months left.
I dropped Todd off at the Victory Home and was sick to my stomach. Every other time I had left Todd in Fort Worth, I was uplifted. Not this time. This time, selfishly, I was sad. I was sad for the four months Todd would miss with Beckett. But, at the same time, I knew that Todd needed to stay in order for him to become the man our family needed.
This next part is what I have been waiting to tell...
When I was 7, I thought I was saved. I knew there was a God. I knew I wanted to get baptized. I knew I wanted to join the church. So, I did. I walked through the motions.
When I was 10, I thought I was saved again. Yes, I was older, and able to understand who God was and why I needed him. I was afraid of God. I wanted so bad to have a relationship with him, but didn't really understand what that meant.
When I was in high school, I began to doubt my salvation. This continued for about 13 years. Everyday (yes, I mean everyday), I would wonder if the Rapture was going to occur. I was so afraid God would forget about me and leave me behind. If I woke up in the middle of the night and didn't hear my dad snoring, I would go in to see if my parents were still there. If I didn't hear anyone talking in the next room, I would go in to see if they were there. I would have these daydreams of my entire family vanishing and me being here on this earth, alone. If you have never thought about that, it's an extremely scary, lonely feeling. But, as human nature goes, I would repeat the things I had said in my "salvation prayer" at the age of 10 and talk myself back into the fact that yes, I was saved. I said the right things. I took all the correct steps. I was fine. Let me reiterate, this would happen EVERYDAY. No one ever knew though. I was too proud to tell anyone. I mean, I had already thought I was saved once, so surely, just surely, I was saved the second time. Plus, I did everything right. I went to church. I was in Sunday School. I was a nice person. I "prayed" to God. And let me tell you this, I was a great talker. I fooled everyone. Even myself. What really got me thinking about the validity of my salvation was something Todd said the night before I took him back. As we were laying in bed that night, I asked him, "When you pray, do you try to imagine what God looks like?" I wanted reassurance that I wasn't the only one who did that. Since I knew Todd was saved, if he said yes, then, I would know I was okay and once again, talk myself back into my salvation. Without hesitation, he said, "No...but I used to." I was sick. Now, I am not saying that believers never picture what God looks like. I think a lot of us do. But, I was trying to picture him for the wrong reason. I was doing it to make him more real to me because I was lacking in faith.
I was listening to this Christian CD in my car on the drive home from Fort Worth after dropping Todd off. "How Great Is Our God" is the 9th track to the CD. I have heard this song hundreds of time, but as I started listening to it I thought, "I wonder if I will get anything out of this song tonight." By the time the chorus came on, the Holy Spirit was convicting me more than ever before. This time, when I walked myself through the things I had said when I was ten, I couldn't talk myself into the fact that I was saved. I knew at that moment that, yes, I would be left if the Rapture happened that night. I pulled off the road in Texarkana and asked God to forgive me of my sins and save me. I decided I wanted a REAL relationship with Him at that time. It was that simple. That was all I had to do for those 13 years. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me. That is the thing, by that time, everyone else would have given up on me. Even the devil had given up on me. He knew I was already taken care of because of how proud a person I was. But, not God. God will never give up on us.
I was so excited. At that moment, I was ready to go to Heaven. I had never felt a feeling like it before. I cried, sang, and just rejoiced in the fact that now, Jesus had my back forever. :) I called my parents. I didn't know what they would think. I said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. It's kind of embarrassing and you will never believe it. I just got saved." Honestly, my mom knows me so well that when I got to the point where I paused before telling her I was saved, she figured it out. Not because she thought I wasn't, but because she knows me that well.
I had told Todd I would call the home when I got home. I prayed he would answer the phone. He did. When I told him, I think he was shocked. See, I had fooled him just like I had fooled myself and everyone around us.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
My worst fear followed by an answered prayer...
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."
--I Corinthians 10:13
"Very truly, I tell you, anyone who hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and does not come under judgment, but has passed from death to life."
--John 5:24
The next week took forever because I would get to see Meagan at the end of it. Nick had told me that right after the church service me and about 20 of the other guys were heading to the mother church in San Antonio, TX. That meant Meagan would be making the 5 hour drive to sit with me for church and then she was driving 5 hours back home. We didn't care, for us we were a new couple and would do whatever it took to see each other. Church was great and we said goodbye.
All 22 of the guys who would be making the trip loaded up along with the 15 women from the women's home and we headed down to San Antonio for a week long conference. Even though I had seen the flags of the different countries it hadn't really sunk in with me just how big this ministry was. There are 114 ministries in 17 different countries worldwide. In fact last night at church Pastor Gustavo, from Spain and Pastor Juan Carlos from Panama spoke on God's blessings. So we went to the concert hall downtown and it was packed. There was around 3000 people there. Most of us were ex-drug addicts who had been set free by Jesus Christ and if you were to come in during the worship service you would have known it. Each night our senior pastor, Jubal Garcia, spoke on something powerful. Jubal is the son of Freddie Garcia who is the father/founder of the Outcry in the Barrio/Victory Temple Ministries. He started it all from his house several years ago. You can read all about it in his book Outcry in the Barrio. If you want a copy, let me know, it is free.
It was a great week and we headed back home the following Saturday. I was excited because I would get to see Meagan yet again the following day...or so I thought. As we were getting ready for church one of the leaders told me that I was one of the 2 guys staying back from church to watch the home while everyone was gone. Immediately I was furious. I told them that my wife was coming and that I WAS going to church. About that time Nick came out of his office and told me he needed to talk with me. As we sat down he told me that he had told Meagan not to come and that was all I heard as the steam started to come from my ears!! "You did what?" I said. He began to explain that I was only looking forward to Sunday and I was just 'getting by' every other day. He said that I needed to focus on my relationship with Jesus, and NOTHING else. As mad as I was, he was right.
That next week I missed another milestone. Not only had I missed my first Fathers Day, My 2 year wedding anniversary and my birthday, but now it was Meagan's birthday and all I could do was write a letter that wouldn't reach her in time. Times like these were tough, real tough. But, I was getting deeper and deeper into God's word each day. I had fallen head-over-hills in love with Jesus Christ.
A couple more weeks had gone by and it was nearing the end of August. I couldn't believe that I had been there for more than 2 months now. I remember this next part very well. I was up all night sick one Friday night and was allowed to stay in bed the next morning. At about 8am one of the guys came up and told me that Joe Joe (the second in command behind Nick) wanted me to get up and get dressed; he wanted to talk to me. I thought he was going to try and tell me that I was faking sick. So I got ready and went downstairs. When I entered the office I could tell something wasn't right. He said that he had gotten a phone call early this morning and apparently my grandfather had passed away the night before. One of my worst fears had come true. I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't have the chance to tell him I love him and that I was sorry for everything. He was probably one of the only people that never EVER doubted me....EVER. Man I loved Pawpaw, and I miss him so much.
The thoughts that came at me at this point were trying to decide whether or not I should go home for a few days. Honestly I was afraid I wouldn't return and for me that meant that I might go back to my old ways. But after a short time, I asked Joe for permission to call Meagan and also for permission to go home for the funeral. He said yes to both and I called her. Surprisingly I was pretty calm and I told her to head to Ft. Worth to come get me. I went to class and the next few hours seemed to be the longest hours of my life.
We arrived in Benton later that night and it was great to see all of my family, honestly the best part to me was to be able to play with Beckett. I had a good meal with my family that night and it was off to church the next morning. It was certainly not as charismatic as I was used to and truth be told, it was somewhat of a downgrade. After church we headed to the funeral home to view the body. It was bittersweet, it was so terribly sad and I struggled for a minute but in the end I was jealous of Pawpaw...yes, Jealous. He never had to put up with this world again, and for him in the end that meant so much real pain. He had finished the race and was sitting at the right hand of God. For the first time in my life I realized that death didn't scare me. Pawpaw was a lot better off than any of us as we sat there and cried over him. If he had been in the room with all of us crying like little babies he would have scolded us for doing so, and that is one of the reasons he was loved by so many people.
We got to spend some quality time together on Monday and the Funeral was the next day. It was a wonderful memorial service celebrating his life. It was packed, I told Meagan that I hope I have an 1/8th of that at my funeral saying that I had impacted their life like so many had told us of Pawpaw. I spent the rest of the day with all of my family and woke up fairly early Wednesday morning to head back down to Ft. Worth. After saying my goodbyes we were off and my stomach was immediately in knots. Mainly because I did not want to go back, but ultimately knew that I didn't have a choice.
When I say I didn't have a choice it wasn't because I wouldn't be accepted at home (although I don't think Meagan would have gone for it...at all), I think, deep down,they somewhat expected me to stay home; it was because if I wanted my life to change forever then I had to fulfill my commitment to God and that was six months. She dropped me off just before church on that Wednesday night and the service was just what I needed. I had told Meagan to call the Men's home when she made back safely. I slept by the phone every night (because people would call and want to come into the home at all hours of the night, and also they would want someone to pray for them and as we all know people need prayer at all hours of the day and night) and I would see the note that she had called.
We got to go to bed early that night so it was about 10:45 and the phone rang and when I picked up the phone Meagan said "Todd, has Nick talked to you yet?" I said "No, what has happened now?" She began to cry and told me that she had always thought she was saved and when she had doubts she lied to herself and moved on. She said that she was nearly sick to her stomach the whole way home and realized that she needed to truly accept Jesus as her personnel Lord and Savior. I began to cry and told her that was the happiest day of my life.
You couldn't get me to stop smiling for the next few days. Life was great, but the home was still hard and the next couple of months were probably the toughest.
...
--I Corinthians 10:13
"Very truly, I tell you, anyone who hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and does not come under judgment, but has passed from death to life."
--John 5:24
The next week took forever because I would get to see Meagan at the end of it. Nick had told me that right after the church service me and about 20 of the other guys were heading to the mother church in San Antonio, TX. That meant Meagan would be making the 5 hour drive to sit with me for church and then she was driving 5 hours back home. We didn't care, for us we were a new couple and would do whatever it took to see each other. Church was great and we said goodbye.
All 22 of the guys who would be making the trip loaded up along with the 15 women from the women's home and we headed down to San Antonio for a week long conference. Even though I had seen the flags of the different countries it hadn't really sunk in with me just how big this ministry was. There are 114 ministries in 17 different countries worldwide. In fact last night at church Pastor Gustavo, from Spain and Pastor Juan Carlos from Panama spoke on God's blessings. So we went to the concert hall downtown and it was packed. There was around 3000 people there. Most of us were ex-drug addicts who had been set free by Jesus Christ and if you were to come in during the worship service you would have known it. Each night our senior pastor, Jubal Garcia, spoke on something powerful. Jubal is the son of Freddie Garcia who is the father/founder of the Outcry in the Barrio/Victory Temple Ministries. He started it all from his house several years ago. You can read all about it in his book Outcry in the Barrio. If you want a copy, let me know, it is free.
It was a great week and we headed back home the following Saturday. I was excited because I would get to see Meagan yet again the following day...or so I thought. As we were getting ready for church one of the leaders told me that I was one of the 2 guys staying back from church to watch the home while everyone was gone. Immediately I was furious. I told them that my wife was coming and that I WAS going to church. About that time Nick came out of his office and told me he needed to talk with me. As we sat down he told me that he had told Meagan not to come and that was all I heard as the steam started to come from my ears!! "You did what?" I said. He began to explain that I was only looking forward to Sunday and I was just 'getting by' every other day. He said that I needed to focus on my relationship with Jesus, and NOTHING else. As mad as I was, he was right.
That next week I missed another milestone. Not only had I missed my first Fathers Day, My 2 year wedding anniversary and my birthday, but now it was Meagan's birthday and all I could do was write a letter that wouldn't reach her in time. Times like these were tough, real tough. But, I was getting deeper and deeper into God's word each day. I had fallen head-over-hills in love with Jesus Christ.
A couple more weeks had gone by and it was nearing the end of August. I couldn't believe that I had been there for more than 2 months now. I remember this next part very well. I was up all night sick one Friday night and was allowed to stay in bed the next morning. At about 8am one of the guys came up and told me that Joe Joe (the second in command behind Nick) wanted me to get up and get dressed; he wanted to talk to me. I thought he was going to try and tell me that I was faking sick. So I got ready and went downstairs. When I entered the office I could tell something wasn't right. He said that he had gotten a phone call early this morning and apparently my grandfather had passed away the night before. One of my worst fears had come true. I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't have the chance to tell him I love him and that I was sorry for everything. He was probably one of the only people that never EVER doubted me....EVER. Man I loved Pawpaw, and I miss him so much.
The thoughts that came at me at this point were trying to decide whether or not I should go home for a few days. Honestly I was afraid I wouldn't return and for me that meant that I might go back to my old ways. But after a short time, I asked Joe for permission to call Meagan and also for permission to go home for the funeral. He said yes to both and I called her. Surprisingly I was pretty calm and I told her to head to Ft. Worth to come get me. I went to class and the next few hours seemed to be the longest hours of my life.
We arrived in Benton later that night and it was great to see all of my family, honestly the best part to me was to be able to play with Beckett. I had a good meal with my family that night and it was off to church the next morning. It was certainly not as charismatic as I was used to and truth be told, it was somewhat of a downgrade. After church we headed to the funeral home to view the body. It was bittersweet, it was so terribly sad and I struggled for a minute but in the end I was jealous of Pawpaw...yes, Jealous. He never had to put up with this world again, and for him in the end that meant so much real pain. He had finished the race and was sitting at the right hand of God. For the first time in my life I realized that death didn't scare me. Pawpaw was a lot better off than any of us as we sat there and cried over him. If he had been in the room with all of us crying like little babies he would have scolded us for doing so, and that is one of the reasons he was loved by so many people.
We got to spend some quality time together on Monday and the Funeral was the next day. It was a wonderful memorial service celebrating his life. It was packed, I told Meagan that I hope I have an 1/8th of that at my funeral saying that I had impacted their life like so many had told us of Pawpaw. I spent the rest of the day with all of my family and woke up fairly early Wednesday morning to head back down to Ft. Worth. After saying my goodbyes we were off and my stomach was immediately in knots. Mainly because I did not want to go back, but ultimately knew that I didn't have a choice.
When I say I didn't have a choice it wasn't because I wouldn't be accepted at home (although I don't think Meagan would have gone for it...at all), I think, deep down,they somewhat expected me to stay home; it was because if I wanted my life to change forever then I had to fulfill my commitment to God and that was six months. She dropped me off just before church on that Wednesday night and the service was just what I needed. I had told Meagan to call the Men's home when she made back safely. I slept by the phone every night (because people would call and want to come into the home at all hours of the night, and also they would want someone to pray for them and as we all know people need prayer at all hours of the day and night) and I would see the note that she had called.
We got to go to bed early that night so it was about 10:45 and the phone rang and when I picked up the phone Meagan said "Todd, has Nick talked to you yet?" I said "No, what has happened now?" She began to cry and told me that she had always thought she was saved and when she had doubts she lied to herself and moved on. She said that she was nearly sick to her stomach the whole way home and realized that she needed to truly accept Jesus as her personnel Lord and Savior. I began to cry and told her that was the happiest day of my life.
You couldn't get me to stop smiling for the next few days. Life was great, but the home was still hard and the next couple of months were probably the toughest.
Coming home from one of the visits to Todd.
...
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so...
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
--Psalms 51:10
Three days after we got home, I got a phone call. Yes, the dreaded phone call. But, luckily, I was busy. I was actually getting "my girls" ready for camp that we would be headed to the next day. This was actually the same day I talked about in my last post. At the same practice that I told my girls Todd had left for 6 months, Todd called me. Did I answer? NO. I knew it was him wanting his parents or me to bail him out. He was ready to tell me every excuse to why he could make it at home. On the inside, I just knew that Todd was scared. He was running away from his problems once again. He was proving to me that he was not changing and still remaining the "young child" we had left in Fort Worth. So, yes, I didn't answer it. I didn't want to talk to him. I was tired of enabling him.
As the month and a half before we went to visit Todd went by, I was testing myself. Honestly, I was testing myself to see if I could do it alone. That is, be a single, working mom. Throughout the month and a half, I realized it was easier to be without Todd than to be with him. I could relax more because I didn't have to worry about what he was doing, I could make decisions for Beckett and myself, and I had plenty of help with Beckett in case of a conflict with work during the night. I COULD do it. To tell you the truth, I don't know if I ever really prayed for Todd during that time. I didn't care if he made it or not because I was independent and self-sufficient.
I knew I couldn't write Todd the first month he was there. And that was relieving because whenever he had gone to rehab before, it had become a hassle to write him everyday. After a month had gone by, I decided to write Todd ONE letter. I only wanted to update him on Beckett and let him know we were doing fine without him. I didn't really want to go visit him because I knew it would bring back the same emotions I had pushed away for so long.
As we started off for Fort Worth on a Friday morning, I was excited. Not because we were going to visit Todd, but because I was off that Friday and we were going down a day early to shop. Todd's parents, Beckett, and I headed out to an outlet mall and had a great time. But, in the back of my mind, I knew why we were there. We were there to see if this place had worked for Todd. I was there to test Todd to see if he was changing. Honestly, at that point, I didn't believe he had or possibly that he ever could change.
On Saturday, I started to get anxious. We didn't have much planned for that day, so it was hard to stay focused on being independent, not caring about Todd, and shutting down emotionally.
When I woke up Sunday morning, my stomach was in knots. Not only was I getting to see my husband (who I didn't know if I still wanted him to be my husband), but he was getting to see Beckett and me. I had thought for a long time about what rude or snide comment I could make to him about where he was and what he was doing. About how I was at home supporting Beckett and me, ALONE, once again. But, on the other hand, there was a possibility that something could have changed in him. I gave that possibility about 5%. He had never proven otherwise up to that point. I was also nervous about going to the church service. I had heard from Holly (if you remember Holly, she was the one that got us connected with Victory Temple) that Victory Temple was rather "energetic."
When we drove up, one of the ushers parked us. We got out and stated walking up to the church. At this point, I still didn't know how I would react when I saw Todd. There was a huge group of guys lined up outside of the church. I figured Todd what most likely in this big group. I started looking for him and finally, saw him. I describe the next few minutes of our lives like that you would see in a movie. We saw each other at the same moment. In that moment, I forgave Todd. I forgave him for everything. He didn't have to say anything or do anything, I just forgave him: COMPLETELY. We ran towards each other as quickly as possible. Of course, I started crying (with the ugly cry face). I couldn't contain all my emotions. For years, I had so much resent and hatred towards Todd for all the things he had put me and now, Beckett, through. And now it was gone. At that moment, I knew that mine and Todd's marriage would never be the same. I truly knew Todd had changed and it was time for me to change my attitude towards him. I would say this point in time was the SECOND most important time in my life. (I will tell you about the FIRST one in the next few posts).
As we were seated at church, Todd wasted no time to get down on his knees and start praying. Now, to me, that was a little strange. It was quite different from our ritualistic service back at home. He stayed there for awhile, actually it was about 30 minutes. Then service started. Service=one hour of praise and worship + 1.5 to 2 hours of preaching. This was COMPLETELY different. At home, we are used to getting out of service within 1.25 hours, for sure no more than 1.5 hours. I mean, people have to go eat their traditional Sunday lunch no later than 12:00. During praise and worship, I was completely blown away and almost nervous the entire time. I had heard of churches like this, but never actually experienced one. The kind I am talking about is where people are jumping up and down in the front, clapping, raising their hands, dancing in the aisles, etc. Don't worry, though, I just stood there with my arms folded over one another because I didn't need to praise God like all the drug addicts in the church with me. Honestly, I couldn't keep my eyes off Todd. He was joining in with everyone else and I didn't understand. He knew that wasn't how WE worshiped and I didn't understand how HE was able to do it.
When church was over, we went out to eat with Todd. I just remember not being able to eat a thing because I was just in awe of him. Finally, the person I thought I had married was present with me, in our own little world. I didn't really even know what to say to him. I realized during this time we would have to get to know each other again, in a different way. I sure hoped that I would be able to love him again the way I once had.
--Psalms 51:10
Three days after we got home, I got a phone call. Yes, the dreaded phone call. But, luckily, I was busy. I was actually getting "my girls" ready for camp that we would be headed to the next day. This was actually the same day I talked about in my last post. At the same practice that I told my girls Todd had left for 6 months, Todd called me. Did I answer? NO. I knew it was him wanting his parents or me to bail him out. He was ready to tell me every excuse to why he could make it at home. On the inside, I just knew that Todd was scared. He was running away from his problems once again. He was proving to me that he was not changing and still remaining the "young child" we had left in Fort Worth. So, yes, I didn't answer it. I didn't want to talk to him. I was tired of enabling him.
As the month and a half before we went to visit Todd went by, I was testing myself. Honestly, I was testing myself to see if I could do it alone. That is, be a single, working mom. Throughout the month and a half, I realized it was easier to be without Todd than to be with him. I could relax more because I didn't have to worry about what he was doing, I could make decisions for Beckett and myself, and I had plenty of help with Beckett in case of a conflict with work during the night. I COULD do it. To tell you the truth, I don't know if I ever really prayed for Todd during that time. I didn't care if he made it or not because I was independent and self-sufficient.
I knew I couldn't write Todd the first month he was there. And that was relieving because whenever he had gone to rehab before, it had become a hassle to write him everyday. After a month had gone by, I decided to write Todd ONE letter. I only wanted to update him on Beckett and let him know we were doing fine without him. I didn't really want to go visit him because I knew it would bring back the same emotions I had pushed away for so long.
As we started off for Fort Worth on a Friday morning, I was excited. Not because we were going to visit Todd, but because I was off that Friday and we were going down a day early to shop. Todd's parents, Beckett, and I headed out to an outlet mall and had a great time. But, in the back of my mind, I knew why we were there. We were there to see if this place had worked for Todd. I was there to test Todd to see if he was changing. Honestly, at that point, I didn't believe he had or possibly that he ever could change.
On Saturday, I started to get anxious. We didn't have much planned for that day, so it was hard to stay focused on being independent, not caring about Todd, and shutting down emotionally.
When I woke up Sunday morning, my stomach was in knots. Not only was I getting to see my husband (who I didn't know if I still wanted him to be my husband), but he was getting to see Beckett and me. I had thought for a long time about what rude or snide comment I could make to him about where he was and what he was doing. About how I was at home supporting Beckett and me, ALONE, once again. But, on the other hand, there was a possibility that something could have changed in him. I gave that possibility about 5%. He had never proven otherwise up to that point. I was also nervous about going to the church service. I had heard from Holly (if you remember Holly, she was the one that got us connected with Victory Temple) that Victory Temple was rather "energetic."
When we drove up, one of the ushers parked us. We got out and stated walking up to the church. At this point, I still didn't know how I would react when I saw Todd. There was a huge group of guys lined up outside of the church. I figured Todd what most likely in this big group. I started looking for him and finally, saw him. I describe the next few minutes of our lives like that you would see in a movie. We saw each other at the same moment. In that moment, I forgave Todd. I forgave him for everything. He didn't have to say anything or do anything, I just forgave him: COMPLETELY. We ran towards each other as quickly as possible. Of course, I started crying (with the ugly cry face). I couldn't contain all my emotions. For years, I had so much resent and hatred towards Todd for all the things he had put me and now, Beckett, through. And now it was gone. At that moment, I knew that mine and Todd's marriage would never be the same. I truly knew Todd had changed and it was time for me to change my attitude towards him. I would say this point in time was the SECOND most important time in my life. (I will tell you about the FIRST one in the next few posts).
As we were seated at church, Todd wasted no time to get down on his knees and start praying. Now, to me, that was a little strange. It was quite different from our ritualistic service back at home. He stayed there for awhile, actually it was about 30 minutes. Then service started. Service=one hour of praise and worship + 1.5 to 2 hours of preaching. This was COMPLETELY different. At home, we are used to getting out of service within 1.25 hours, for sure no more than 1.5 hours. I mean, people have to go eat their traditional Sunday lunch no later than 12:00. During praise and worship, I was completely blown away and almost nervous the entire time. I had heard of churches like this, but never actually experienced one. The kind I am talking about is where people are jumping up and down in the front, clapping, raising their hands, dancing in the aisles, etc. Don't worry, though, I just stood there with my arms folded over one another because I didn't need to praise God like all the drug addicts in the church with me. Honestly, I couldn't keep my eyes off Todd. He was joining in with everyone else and I didn't understand. He knew that wasn't how WE worshiped and I didn't understand how HE was able to do it.
When church was over, we went out to eat with Todd. I just remember not being able to eat a thing because I was just in awe of him. Finally, the person I thought I had married was present with me, in our own little world. I didn't really even know what to say to him. I realized during this time we would have to get to know each other again, in a different way. I sure hoped that I would be able to love him again the way I once had.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Secret of the Lord...
"...because the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as His son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children. For what children are not disciplined by their Father?"
--Hebrews 12:6,7
"Without faith, it is impossible to please God. For he who comes to God, must believe He exists, and rewards those who diligently seek Him."
--Hebrews 11:6
"Therefore, if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things have passed away; look, new things have come!"
--II Corinthians 5:17
The day after I got home from the hospital Bobby had come by to check on things. I was wiping off the baseboards and the trim after class because my stretch of discipline had begun. Already knowing I was on discipline he asked me how things were going. I told him what I had done and what my consequences were. He then went on to tell me that Meagan had told him on the phone that she had hoped the leaders were not being too tough on me. Bobby then told her that he hoped that they were being very hard on me and the he was praying that I would get on discipline. I thought to myself gee thanks man, what a pal. He then informed me that it wasn't fair to me or Meagan that he tell either one of us that he talked to the other one so he said that was done.
A week or so went by and discipline wasn't getting any easier. I had done it all from the dishes after each meal (meals that served 60+ guys), trimming the grass with scissors, and the toughest one...scrubbing rocks. When you are on discipline and you can't seem to get it right the next step is to scrub rocks. That consists of a bucket of soapy water, a toothbrush and the lava rocks out in front of the men's home. From 7a.m. until midnight I got 3 restroom breaks and 3 meals. Also it was the first of July and in Texas it was already getting well over 100 degrees. I decided to come to the home today to help out and it just so happens that there were a couple of guys who were out scrubbing rocks.
The first Sunday that I went to church was tough. I had been in the home for a little over a week and my head was pretty much totally cleared up. It was now clear to me what I had done to my family and the possibility that I may never see my wife and son again had set in and I was truly struggling. We got to Church early that morning and we began to go through our daily proverbs. As each guy started sharing about what the proverbs meant to him one of them said something like "...and today being Father's Day..." It hit me like a ton of bricks. This was my first Father's Day as a father and my son's first Father's Day on this Earth. What a father I was. Most guys would have had an excuse to leave right then and there, but not me. Where in the heck was I going to go? For once in my life it was time to be a man and face this thing so that I could maybe give my son many more Father's Days.
It wasn't until I had been in the home for a little over two weeks and I was at Church for the second time. Before the service starts we have prayer time for 30 minutes. I was still pretty much praying for God to get me out of there and restore my life. Looking back on things he answered that prayer at this moment. During prayer I gave up and surrendered my life to God...For Real this time. Yeah I thought I had accepted Jesus as the boss of my life when I was 12 but I honestly didn't know what it meant to live like that. Now I did and I was learning more and more each day. I began to cry out to God and my prayer was simple. I told him that I knew that he wanted me there and I just ask him to help me stay there and to come into my life and become real. From that moment on I began to pray for Meagan and for everyone else. I decided that I had been living for me long enough and it was time to change. God had stolen my heart and I was falling deeper in love with him each day.
Another 2 weeks went by and the discipline was really getting to me. The days were getting long and I began to tell God that I was tired, BUT I would do it as long as he was asking me to do it. You see after I had my moment at Church I had come to the realization of a lot of things. One of those being that the leaders in the home did not have me doing the discipline...God did. The Bible says that God disciplines those he loves. Man, he really loves me! Also at this time I started thinking about the possibility of my family coming to visit me. For the first 30 days in the home there is no contact with the outside world. After that you can begin to write letters and you can have visitors at Church. Things seem to be going as well as they possibly could for me. After spending 30+ days on discipline God decided to take me off and for the first time in over a month I got just a little bit of rest.
On Friday, July 15th, 4 days after mine and Meagan's 2 year anniversary, one of the leaders came in and gave me a letter from Meagan and he then said, "come talk to me after you read it." They read all of our incoming and outgoing mail for our own safety. I was nervous to read it because I knew what I was going through but didn't really have any idea about Meagan. The letter basically said something along the lines of "I am still extremely mad, I do not want to come see you at all and the only reason I am coming is so that you can see Beckett, and because your parents want to...That is it!" It was pretty much just 3 pages of that message. When I finished reading it I was heartbroken. I thought I was doing everything right now...and I was, but 1 month of the right thing doesn't erase years of the wrong things. My leader helped me understand that I was in the presence of God day-in and day-out and Meagan wasn't, in fact most people weren't...not like I was. He told me that it would take A LOT longer for her to come around, if she ever did.
The next day was my 25th birthday, so now I had missed my very first Father's Day, my 2 year wedding anniversary, and my 25th birthday. There was nothing special about that day, but yet it was great to be sober and doing everything that I did of the glory of God. For once in my life I had no problems, at least none that I had any control over. I had done all I could and now all I could do is just live for Jesus and let him take care of the rest.
On July 17th, as I was getting out of my first Bible study of the day at Church and was waiting to go in to the Sanctuary with the rest of the guys, one of them said, "hey Todd, I think your family is here." They knew them because of how often I showed off the pictures. I walked around the corner not knowing what to expect, and when I did Meagan, holding Beckett, came running in to my arms and she was sobbing, (for those of you who know her, she calls it the ugly cry face). We were both overwhelmed with emotion and I think for me at first I was just so very happy to see them and to know that they cared enough to come see me.
For a long time I hoped that they would come see the home and the Church and it would scare them and they would want to take me back home but for the 2-3 weeks before they came I begged God for them to fall in love with this place as I had. Some people might be wondering what I mean. This place is radical for God. People like me who have devoted so much time and effort and led the devil's army for so long NEED a place that is that much more devoted to God and leading his army. At first my family was a little reserved (A lot reserved compared to everyone else who was singing and crying out to God). Coming from a Southern Baptist Church in central Arkansas where it is almost frowned upon to raise your hands in worship, they had some adjusting to do. For those people who do frown upon stuff like raising your hands in worship, well shame on you, you should be grateful for what God has delivered you from. If you are one of people who have never had any monster struggles (and you are not, because you are not Jesus) then you should be more grateful than those of us who have. I am grateful for where God saved me from. I feel like jumping up and down and shouting out all day every day. I don't ever want to go back. And you might not have ever done drugs, and that's great! But, the people who 'just' lie or 'just' cheat on their taxes from time to time do not get an air conditioner in hell, sorry.
I had to get that off my chest because I know that someone will read this and think "well my sins are not as bad as his so I can just talk to God on Sundays and sometimes Wednesdays". Sorry it doesn't work like that, EVERYONE needs Jesus ALL the time.
Moving on, Church went great, they loved it. It was refreshing. Nick let us go out to eat as a family afterwards for my birthday. It was a blessing, I was able to share with them what God was doing in my life. Without being a Bible thumper or getting all religious with them. God had changed me, but he still has a long way to go. I had now accepted the fact that I was going to be at the place for a quite a while so I might as well give God all I have. Little did I know my life was about to be one big blessing. After getting a good meal and spending a little bit of time in the Stockyards in Ft. Worth they took me back to the home. That was one of the hardest things to do was to see them leave knowing that they actually did still care for me. In fact, Meagan told me again when she got there that she didn't want to come and she told my parents on the way down there that they were not coming back for a long while. After saying all of that she then went on to tell me that she would be making the 5 hour drive the following weekend to go to Church with me again...Thank You Jesus!
The first 6 weeks were tough but God had only scratch the surface of my life. He certainly was not done shaping and molding me and stretching me to my limit.
...
--Hebrews 12:6,7
"Without faith, it is impossible to please God. For he who comes to God, must believe He exists, and rewards those who diligently seek Him."
--Hebrews 11:6
"Therefore, if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things have passed away; look, new things have come!"
--II Corinthians 5:17
The day after I got home from the hospital Bobby had come by to check on things. I was wiping off the baseboards and the trim after class because my stretch of discipline had begun. Already knowing I was on discipline he asked me how things were going. I told him what I had done and what my consequences were. He then went on to tell me that Meagan had told him on the phone that she had hoped the leaders were not being too tough on me. Bobby then told her that he hoped that they were being very hard on me and the he was praying that I would get on discipline. I thought to myself gee thanks man, what a pal. He then informed me that it wasn't fair to me or Meagan that he tell either one of us that he talked to the other one so he said that was done.
A week or so went by and discipline wasn't getting any easier. I had done it all from the dishes after each meal (meals that served 60+ guys), trimming the grass with scissors, and the toughest one...scrubbing rocks. When you are on discipline and you can't seem to get it right the next step is to scrub rocks. That consists of a bucket of soapy water, a toothbrush and the lava rocks out in front of the men's home. From 7a.m. until midnight I got 3 restroom breaks and 3 meals. Also it was the first of July and in Texas it was already getting well over 100 degrees. I decided to come to the home today to help out and it just so happens that there were a couple of guys who were out scrubbing rocks.
We went by the home today and just so happened to see a few of the "Homeboys" on the rock duty. We thought you could see what it was like.
It wasn't until I had been in the home for a little over two weeks and I was at Church for the second time. Before the service starts we have prayer time for 30 minutes. I was still pretty much praying for God to get me out of there and restore my life. Looking back on things he answered that prayer at this moment. During prayer I gave up and surrendered my life to God...For Real this time. Yeah I thought I had accepted Jesus as the boss of my life when I was 12 but I honestly didn't know what it meant to live like that. Now I did and I was learning more and more each day. I began to cry out to God and my prayer was simple. I told him that I knew that he wanted me there and I just ask him to help me stay there and to come into my life and become real. From that moment on I began to pray for Meagan and for everyone else. I decided that I had been living for me long enough and it was time to change. God had stolen my heart and I was falling deeper in love with him each day.
Another 2 weeks went by and the discipline was really getting to me. The days were getting long and I began to tell God that I was tired, BUT I would do it as long as he was asking me to do it. You see after I had my moment at Church I had come to the realization of a lot of things. One of those being that the leaders in the home did not have me doing the discipline...God did. The Bible says that God disciplines those he loves. Man, he really loves me! Also at this time I started thinking about the possibility of my family coming to visit me. For the first 30 days in the home there is no contact with the outside world. After that you can begin to write letters and you can have visitors at Church. Things seem to be going as well as they possibly could for me. After spending 30+ days on discipline God decided to take me off and for the first time in over a month I got just a little bit of rest.
On Friday, July 15th, 4 days after mine and Meagan's 2 year anniversary, one of the leaders came in and gave me a letter from Meagan and he then said, "come talk to me after you read it." They read all of our incoming and outgoing mail for our own safety. I was nervous to read it because I knew what I was going through but didn't really have any idea about Meagan. The letter basically said something along the lines of "I am still extremely mad, I do not want to come see you at all and the only reason I am coming is so that you can see Beckett, and because your parents want to...That is it!" It was pretty much just 3 pages of that message. When I finished reading it I was heartbroken. I thought I was doing everything right now...and I was, but 1 month of the right thing doesn't erase years of the wrong things. My leader helped me understand that I was in the presence of God day-in and day-out and Meagan wasn't, in fact most people weren't...not like I was. He told me that it would take A LOT longer for her to come around, if she ever did.
The next day was my 25th birthday, so now I had missed my very first Father's Day, my 2 year wedding anniversary, and my 25th birthday. There was nothing special about that day, but yet it was great to be sober and doing everything that I did of the glory of God. For once in my life I had no problems, at least none that I had any control over. I had done all I could and now all I could do is just live for Jesus and let him take care of the rest.
On July 17th, as I was getting out of my first Bible study of the day at Church and was waiting to go in to the Sanctuary with the rest of the guys, one of them said, "hey Todd, I think your family is here." They knew them because of how often I showed off the pictures. I walked around the corner not knowing what to expect, and when I did Meagan, holding Beckett, came running in to my arms and she was sobbing, (for those of you who know her, she calls it the ugly cry face). We were both overwhelmed with emotion and I think for me at first I was just so very happy to see them and to know that they cared enough to come see me.
A picture of the first time Meagan and Beckett came to visit.
I had to get that off my chest because I know that someone will read this and think "well my sins are not as bad as his so I can just talk to God on Sundays and sometimes Wednesdays". Sorry it doesn't work like that, EVERYONE needs Jesus ALL the time.
Moving on, Church went great, they loved it. It was refreshing. Nick let us go out to eat as a family afterwards for my birthday. It was a blessing, I was able to share with them what God was doing in my life. Without being a Bible thumper or getting all religious with them. God had changed me, but he still has a long way to go. I had now accepted the fact that I was going to be at the place for a quite a while so I might as well give God all I have. Little did I know my life was about to be one big blessing. After getting a good meal and spending a little bit of time in the Stockyards in Ft. Worth they took me back to the home. That was one of the hardest things to do was to see them leave knowing that they actually did still care for me. In fact, Meagan told me again when she got there that she didn't want to come and she told my parents on the way down there that they were not coming back for a long while. After saying all of that she then went on to tell me that she would be making the 5 hour drive the following weekend to go to Church with me again...Thank You Jesus!
The first 6 weeks were tough but God had only scratch the surface of my life. He certainly was not done shaping and molding me and stretching me to my limit.
...
Monday, January 30, 2012
Mrs. McGuire is not perfect...
"The further you walk with Him, the more He will ask of you. More of your money, more of your service, more of your time. He'll even ask you to give Him your big dream. Until all that's left is one person--Jesus Christ. One day you'll awaken to the fact that you have chosen Him as your supreme purpose in life, and you will realize that He himself has been your greatest dream, your longing, your desperate desire all along." --Bruce Wilkinson as quoted in The Secret of the LordAs we drove away from the Victory Home on June 11, 2011, I felt the biggest sense of relief I had felt in over a year and a half. You know, someone would expect me to be crying, mourning, angry, etc. but, I wasn't. I was relaxed. I wasn't tense. I wasn't anxious. And I actually enjoyed the feeling. At that point, I wanted to get as far away from Todd as I possible could without actually checking out completely.
There was one thing I was worried about though...my girls. Anytime I ever talk about "my girls" on this blog, I am talking about the dance team that I coached. "My girls" were everything to me. I had 26 of them. I spent day in and day out with them at practice, games, competitions, parades; you name it, we did it. I coached them hard. I'm sure if you asked anyone of them today, they would agree that most days I was not the bubbly, fun-loving, patient person they sometimes wished they had, but that didn't matter, I wanted their best from them. And they gave it to me. By now, you have probably realized I have a Type A personality where I want everything perfectly planned out, organized, and flawless. I was the same way with them. Honestly, I'm not saying that is a good or a bad thing, sometimes I just wish that I would have seemed more "real" to them rather than dictator-ish.
Anyways, I had the perfect life facade up in front of them too. I didn't want one of them to know what was going on behind closed doors at Mrs. McGuire's house. If they did, I would look weak. I mean, if I expected certain behavior from them, then why couldn't I get that same type of behavior from my own husband? Some woman I was, huh??
Well, I agonized with Todd's parents the whole way home about how I would let them know where Todd was and what he had gotten us into. I couldn't come up with the right words, at all. I actually wrote it out and tried to memorize something. Something that would give them just enough information to know what was going on if someone asked them, but not enough to let them know how completely heart-broken I was. Because I felt if I was weak, then they would not follow my leadership. I also wanted to tell them because since they were so important to me and we spent week after week together, I thought they should hear what was going on in my life from me, not from some bystander, who would probably stretch the truth about the situation.
I remember sitting them down before we went to camp. As I started, I looked down at all of them and thought about how innocent their lives were and how I would never want them to go through anything like I was going through. I wanted to protect them. I wanted to protect them from me and my struggles. I couldn't get anything out. I was a complete and utter mess and I sputtered out something along the lines of, "Todd has gone to Fort Worth for six months. He has a problem with drugs. This will not affect you or the dance team in any way. If I seem distant, this is probably the reason." And that was that. I didn't have to say anymore.
They didn't react like I thought they would. Honestly, I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn't what happened. They were very sweet about it. They hugged me and said they were thinking and praying for Beckett and me. You know, the rest of the six months, they didn't ask me about it, unless I brought it up or said something about Todd. I appreciated that so much from them because even though they are so young, they understood their boundaries.
After telling the girls, life got back to being normal. Beckett and I did our thing. Honestly, I didn't think about Todd as much as you would expect a wife whose husband was gone for 6 months too. But, these were different circumstances than most wives that are away from their husbands for that long. I didn't write Todd. I sure didn't call down there to check on him. For once, I was confident that he was being taken care of, and hopefully, he would get a little dose of Jesus while he was there. Now, as I write that, I think that sounds pitiful. But, as you will see, Todd got a WHOLE lot more than a little dose of Jesus and SO DID I.
This is camp, not long after I told the girls about Todd.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I don't want to pray...
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
--Philippians 4:6
As soon as I got done with the little bit of paperwork and the guys prayed me in, they sent me upstairs to shower and lay down. "Great", I thought, "just another vacation". I knew I would have to go to Bible study or something like that eventually but they told me to go lay down until I felt better. They were all ex-drug addicts and they knew that I was about to go through it. I quit it all on June 11th, 2011. Drinking, smoking, pain pills, anxiety pills, depression pills, and ADHD medicine. I went upstairs, got as comfortable as I could and passed smooth out. I remember waking up a few times to turn off the tapes that were playing at the foot of my bunk bed. It seemed like every time I woke up there was a different sermon playing. I would turn it off and someone else would turn it right back on. I will explain the tapes more later. All I knew now was that they were messing with my high. I slept pretty well the rest of that day and all the way into the next morning which was Sunday morning.
As I woke up the next morning I heard what sounded like loud mumbling and some of it sounded like Spanish and some of it was a language I had never heard before. As I rolled over to see what it was I noticed that there were 2 hands on my back. I turned over and saw a middle-aged Hispanic man with tattoo's on his neck and arms. He introduced himself as Ricky in a very strong Spanish accent. I pushed back away from him and asked him sharply, "what do you think you are doing?" He said he was praying for me and my sickness to go away, and for the Holy Spirit to take control of my life immediately. By that time I felt so bad I didn't care what it took to make me feel better. Actually I told him he could continue to pray for me but I was going to try to go back to sleep. I don't care who a person is or what they believe, when someone is crying out to God on your behalf it makes you feel great. A non-believer may not admit that, but it is true and one thing I have learned over the past several months is that it doesn't matter how big and bad a person is, they always want you to pray for them. Sorry, just had to interject.
It wasn't long before I woke up again, and again Ricky was praying for me. This time my head was throbbing, externally. I got up and went to one of the 4 bathrooms shared by the 60 guys that lived there. I looked in the mirror and noticed that I had a huge knot just above my left eye. All the guys were at church so there was nothing that could be done now. I couldn't sleep because my head was hurting so I decided to check out the place since I really didn't remember much about being checked in. The room I was in was just big enough for the 5 bunk beds it contained. The other 3 rooms that were upstairs pretty much mirrored each other. I decided to go downstairs. As I got to the bottom of the stairs in the hallway/entry-way there was a couple of the older guys (guys that had been there for 3+ months) that had stayed back to watch the home. They did their best to get me to go to church but I refused, I felt awful. I noticed the kitchen, it was fairly small for feeding 75+ people per meal I thought. I walked a few feet the other direction into the dining room/chapel/prayer room/bedroom. It was about 40' x 15' and my thoughts the whole time were "this is it?"
It still hadn't completely set in with me that I was there for 6 months and it would be at least 30 days before I would have ANY contact with anyone from the outside world. I honestly still believed that my mom and dad, not Meagan, would feel sorry for me in time and come get me. I knew that Meagan wasn't coming anytime soon. I was pretty sure that I had drawn my last straw with her and like I said I didn't know if she would ever come back. Even that hadn't set in with me...yet.
The guys got back from church and I asked Ricky to ask one of the leaders if I could go to the hospital to check out this knot on my head. They agreed and I was sent to the hospital with 2 other guys. The leader of the group was a 21-year-old guy that had been in the home for 5 months and the other was a 28-year-old guy who had been there for 3 weeks. After a few hours they finally called my name and they determined that it was shingles. One of the main causes of shingles is severe anxiety. So they sent me home with a steroid and anti-biotic.
As I got back home Sunday evening they told me to go get some more rest because I was going to start my normal days the next morning. The next thing I know the guy who signed me in is walking from room to room turning on the lights and telling everyone good morning. As I look at my watch I see that it is 5:30 A.M., yes in the MORNING. I was told to get dressed for breakfast. We went downstairs at 6 for breakfast and at 6:30 we were back upstairs to clean up. At 7 everyone went into the chapel for 'Proverbs'. Since there is 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs, we would read each verse of that particular day of the month and then talk about the one that stood out to us. After a short break it was back downstairs for the BIG ONE....PRAYER TIME.
As I came downstairs I heard the worship music playing on the sound system and the volume was turned all the way up. All of the guys were on their knees with their heads bowed over the seat of their chair. Most, if not all, of them were praying out loud. Some of the guys were even crying out and yelling to God. At that time I had only heard rumors about people praying in tongues, I had never really believed people actually did it. Man, was I wrong. I got down on my knees and basically said this: "God, please get me out of here". Then I got up and went out of the chapel where I was met by one of the leaders. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I did not want to pray. I told him that I did not pray like "that". You see I was raised Southern Baptist and it is taboo to even lift your hands during a song while the service is going, let alone pray out loud. So I sat outside during prayer time. Then it was time for praise and worship which again was crazy to this Southern Baptist. Guys were screaming and yelling about where Jesus had saved them from. In my mind I was too lost, I often looked at some of the other guys who had 3 teeth and ratty clothes and thought to myself that they needed to be at this place, not me. Wow, did I ever have a revelation on that one later.
After that it was time for a 2.5 hour teaching. This was the first part that was semi-normal to me. After that we had lunch and then the guys that had been there for 30 days or less stayed back for another 2 hour teaching. That was followed by a 2 hour break in which I was able to shower and take a nap. Then, at 5:00 p.m. we woke up cleaned up again and went back down for another 30 minute prayer time at 6 followed by more praise and worship. Then from 7-9 we had yet another teaching and then it was supper time. After supper we did a variety of things from praise and worship to studying different parts of the Bible and every now in then we got to go to bed early. Early as in 10:15ish.
On my fourth day there I had to return to the hospital for them to have another look at my shingles. This time I went with a different guy. One who had been in the men's home for about 10 months and he was given permission to look for a job. He was to use the phone at the hospital while I was getting all of my stuff done. By this time I was ready to go home. I really, REALLY needed to talk to Meagan. Mainly to beg her not to leave. I needed to talk to my parents so that I could manipulate them into coming to get me. I had had enough of this place. I would never do drugs again I thought to myself. So remembering that I had snuck a 20 dollar bill in my shoe I went and found the guy that I was there with and told him that I needed to use the phone to call my family because I was leaving. At the men's home there was absolutely NO phone call's for the entire 6 months. So he told me that they wouldn't let me use the phone back at the home. I told him that I had 20 bucks and I was going across the street to use the payphone. He then told me that he was going to have to tell Nick (the home director and now one of my closest friends) that I had the money, another no-no at the home, and that I had used the phone. I told him I didn't care what he did because I wasn't going back to that 'place'.
He walked me across the street to use the phone, the whole time he was trying his best to talk me out of doing it. I called Meagan first and got her voicemail 3 times in a row. I decided to call my dad next. He answered and I immediately told him that this place was a cult and that they were making me pray in tongues and everything that I thought would make him come and get me. Those were the exact things that dad had asked Nick when he talked to him about the place the week before. My dad basically said that I needed to grow up, be a man, and stop trying to manipulate him. He said that he would see me in 4 weeks and he loved me. I tried to call Meagan a couple more times, not knowing that she was staring at her phone each time thinking that she did NOT want to talk to me. I left her a message and hung up the phone. We walked back to the hospital and he called our ride but not before telling them what I had done.
When we got back home Nick then informed that I would be on "discipline" until he said otherwise for breaking the rules. For the next 35 days God was about to stretch me almost to my limit.
...
--Philippians 4:6
As soon as I got done with the little bit of paperwork and the guys prayed me in, they sent me upstairs to shower and lay down. "Great", I thought, "just another vacation". I knew I would have to go to Bible study or something like that eventually but they told me to go lay down until I felt better. They were all ex-drug addicts and they knew that I was about to go through it. I quit it all on June 11th, 2011. Drinking, smoking, pain pills, anxiety pills, depression pills, and ADHD medicine. I went upstairs, got as comfortable as I could and passed smooth out. I remember waking up a few times to turn off the tapes that were playing at the foot of my bunk bed. It seemed like every time I woke up there was a different sermon playing. I would turn it off and someone else would turn it right back on. I will explain the tapes more later. All I knew now was that they were messing with my high. I slept pretty well the rest of that day and all the way into the next morning which was Sunday morning.
As I woke up the next morning I heard what sounded like loud mumbling and some of it sounded like Spanish and some of it was a language I had never heard before. As I rolled over to see what it was I noticed that there were 2 hands on my back. I turned over and saw a middle-aged Hispanic man with tattoo's on his neck and arms. He introduced himself as Ricky in a very strong Spanish accent. I pushed back away from him and asked him sharply, "what do you think you are doing?" He said he was praying for me and my sickness to go away, and for the Holy Spirit to take control of my life immediately. By that time I felt so bad I didn't care what it took to make me feel better. Actually I told him he could continue to pray for me but I was going to try to go back to sleep. I don't care who a person is or what they believe, when someone is crying out to God on your behalf it makes you feel great. A non-believer may not admit that, but it is true and one thing I have learned over the past several months is that it doesn't matter how big and bad a person is, they always want you to pray for them. Sorry, just had to interject.
It wasn't long before I woke up again, and again Ricky was praying for me. This time my head was throbbing, externally. I got up and went to one of the 4 bathrooms shared by the 60 guys that lived there. I looked in the mirror and noticed that I had a huge knot just above my left eye. All the guys were at church so there was nothing that could be done now. I couldn't sleep because my head was hurting so I decided to check out the place since I really didn't remember much about being checked in. The room I was in was just big enough for the 5 bunk beds it contained. The other 3 rooms that were upstairs pretty much mirrored each other. I decided to go downstairs. As I got to the bottom of the stairs in the hallway/entry-way there was a couple of the older guys (guys that had been there for 3+ months) that had stayed back to watch the home. They did their best to get me to go to church but I refused, I felt awful. I noticed the kitchen, it was fairly small for feeding 75+ people per meal I thought. I walked a few feet the other direction into the dining room/chapel/prayer room/bedroom. It was about 40' x 15' and my thoughts the whole time were "this is it?"
It still hadn't completely set in with me that I was there for 6 months and it would be at least 30 days before I would have ANY contact with anyone from the outside world. I honestly still believed that my mom and dad, not Meagan, would feel sorry for me in time and come get me. I knew that Meagan wasn't coming anytime soon. I was pretty sure that I had drawn my last straw with her and like I said I didn't know if she would ever come back. Even that hadn't set in with me...yet.
The guys got back from church and I asked Ricky to ask one of the leaders if I could go to the hospital to check out this knot on my head. They agreed and I was sent to the hospital with 2 other guys. The leader of the group was a 21-year-old guy that had been in the home for 5 months and the other was a 28-year-old guy who had been there for 3 weeks. After a few hours they finally called my name and they determined that it was shingles. One of the main causes of shingles is severe anxiety. So they sent me home with a steroid and anti-biotic.
As I got back home Sunday evening they told me to go get some more rest because I was going to start my normal days the next morning. The next thing I know the guy who signed me in is walking from room to room turning on the lights and telling everyone good morning. As I look at my watch I see that it is 5:30 A.M., yes in the MORNING. I was told to get dressed for breakfast. We went downstairs at 6 for breakfast and at 6:30 we were back upstairs to clean up. At 7 everyone went into the chapel for 'Proverbs'. Since there is 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs, we would read each verse of that particular day of the month and then talk about the one that stood out to us. After a short break it was back downstairs for the BIG ONE....PRAYER TIME.
After that it was time for a 2.5 hour teaching. This was the first part that was semi-normal to me. After that we had lunch and then the guys that had been there for 30 days or less stayed back for another 2 hour teaching. That was followed by a 2 hour break in which I was able to shower and take a nap. Then, at 5:00 p.m. we woke up cleaned up again and went back down for another 30 minute prayer time at 6 followed by more praise and worship. Then from 7-9 we had yet another teaching and then it was supper time. After supper we did a variety of things from praise and worship to studying different parts of the Bible and every now in then we got to go to bed early. Early as in 10:15ish.
On my fourth day there I had to return to the hospital for them to have another look at my shingles. This time I went with a different guy. One who had been in the men's home for about 10 months and he was given permission to look for a job. He was to use the phone at the hospital while I was getting all of my stuff done. By this time I was ready to go home. I really, REALLY needed to talk to Meagan. Mainly to beg her not to leave. I needed to talk to my parents so that I could manipulate them into coming to get me. I had had enough of this place. I would never do drugs again I thought to myself. So remembering that I had snuck a 20 dollar bill in my shoe I went and found the guy that I was there with and told him that I needed to use the phone to call my family because I was leaving. At the men's home there was absolutely NO phone call's for the entire 6 months. So he told me that they wouldn't let me use the phone back at the home. I told him that I had 20 bucks and I was going across the street to use the payphone. He then told me that he was going to have to tell Nick (the home director and now one of my closest friends) that I had the money, another no-no at the home, and that I had used the phone. I told him I didn't care what he did because I wasn't going back to that 'place'.
He walked me across the street to use the phone, the whole time he was trying his best to talk me out of doing it. I called Meagan first and got her voicemail 3 times in a row. I decided to call my dad next. He answered and I immediately told him that this place was a cult and that they were making me pray in tongues and everything that I thought would make him come and get me. Those were the exact things that dad had asked Nick when he talked to him about the place the week before. My dad basically said that I needed to grow up, be a man, and stop trying to manipulate him. He said that he would see me in 4 weeks and he loved me. I tried to call Meagan a couple more times, not knowing that she was staring at her phone each time thinking that she did NOT want to talk to me. I left her a message and hung up the phone. We walked back to the hospital and he called our ride but not before telling them what I had done.
When we got back home Nick then informed that I would be on "discipline" until he said otherwise for breaking the rules. For the next 35 days God was about to stretch me almost to my limit.
...
Connections...
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."
--Zephaniah 3:17
A list of characters who played a role as vessels to allow us to end up where we are today:
Karen Hilborn--my high school dance coach and one of my best friend's now. I coached beside her for four years (two at the junior high level and two at the high school level). Karen coaches the Benton High School cheerleaders.
Holly Trantham--Karen Hilborn's close friend. Holly coached and taught alongside Karen for several years. She coached the Benton High School Pepsteppers. As the coach of the team, she hired me to choreograph routines. Holly and I were not close, but we were friends. I came into Holly's job and taught the same classes and coached the same team only four years after Holly and her family left Benton.
Kelly--Holly's best friend. I had no clue who Kelly was.
Bobby--Kelly's brother. I had no clue who Bobby was.
I think it is important to explain who the people are and what their connection was in the beginning so that you can understand the full story.
Last time I left you, we had had our "Intervention" with Todd. He was told he would go to a one year rehab in Russellville, AR. He only said yes so that we would get off his back. He wasn't excited and he wasn't really willing. The only thing he knew was that he had no other choice.
I remember when we were in the doctor's office like it was yesterday. When we left, I had the biggest sense of relief. I had told Todd what he would lose. I had told him I was tired of all the mess he was putting Beckett and me through. I had done my job. However, I was so nervous for this all to be pulled off. See, Todd was the master of all schemers. He will tell you that today even. He could con his way out or into any situation.
After we left the doctor's office, I just really needed to talk to someone. Someone I trusted and someone I knew would tell me the truth. I called Karen. She always will tell me what I NEED to hear, not necessarily what I WANT to hear. I told her about the "Intervention." I told her about Russellville. I told her about Todd's reaction. Everything. She already knew most of it, but by the end of the conversation, she was up to full speed. As we neared the end, Karen remembered a crazy story about addiction that Holly had once told her. She couldn't remember it all exactly, so she decided to call Holly.
Within minutes of getting off the phone with Karen, I was on the phone with Holly. I told Holly everything. I told her about Todd's addiction and how it was tearing our family apart. I told her how I was so tired of all the lies and manipulations. I told her I was ready for something to break, whether it be a good thing or a bad thing. Holly responded with one of the most hopeful stories I had heard in a long time. You see, when you are around the addiction lifestyle, you don't always hear hopeful stories. You hear of relapse. You hear of jail sentences. You hear of death. You rarely hear of freedom, redemption, and life. This was the kind of story Holly told me. She told me about her friend, Kelly, who had a brother, Bobby. Bobby had fallen into the same cycle of addiction that Todd was in. He tried different kinds of rehabs, leaving only to relapse and fail again. He had broken relationships and people's trust. And then, he hit rock bottom. When that happened, Kelly introduced Bobby to a ministry called Victory Temple Ministries. At Victory Temple, Bobby had found a relationship like no other. He found a relationship with God that changed his life forever. However, she warned me that Victory Temple was not like any other "rehab" or "institution" Todd had ever been too. There, he wouldn't be able to smoke (I thought, "Thank goodness."), take his depression or anxiety medications, talk on the phone, have random visits, etc. To me, that was awesome. I hated Todd smoking. I even made him change his clothes when he came in from smoking. I hated him taking medication. Not that I think anything is wrong with medication, but when you have to ration the medication for a 25 year old every day and just hope that he doesn't find where you hid it and take too many, it's not fun. And since I was so tired of dealing with our relationship, I didn't care about seeing or talking to him.
Holly got me pumped up. She's really good at that. After talking to her, I actually had a little hope that Todd would be able to change. Then, came the big task. I had to research the place for myself and I had to convince Todd's family that Victory Temple was the place we had been looking for the past couple of years. As we looked over the website for Victory Temple, we were a little hesitant. It seemed like an extremely radical place and honestly, I didn't know if Todd could handle it. When I say radical, I mean radical for God. Yes, we all had gone to church for our entire lives, but could Todd really be radical for God and could he really be radical enough to change forever?
To convince us all it was the place, we had to check a few references. Of course. Remember, we were the enablers and we had to do our job. Holly told me to call Bobby. When I did, I couldn't even believe the things that Holly had told me about his past life. He sounded like a man that really had it all together. His family had been restored. He loved God more than life itself and he even prayed for Todd and me over the phone. This was something I had never known to happen before. I actually felt that someone REALLY cared about Todd's well-being. After talking to him, I was convinced.
Todd's parents took a little more convincing. I remember running inside to their house, where Todd was passed out. It was actually the night I showed a video of a couple of posts ago. I was so excited and ready to go that night. Todd's dad decided to call the place. As he called, I looked it up on the internet and showed it to his mom. Steve, Todd's dad, talked to the home director. It's funny to think about the questions he asked them that night:
-Are you a cult?
-Do you speak in tongues?
-Can he smoke?
-Can he take his medicine?
-etc.
After about thirty minutes of talking to the home director, they cautiously agreed.
Todd woke up a few minutes later to find the computer screen directly in front of his face with Victory Temple Ministries website on the screen. Steve said, "Todd, this is where you are going in the morning. We are leaving at 6:00 am."
We left the next morning at 6:00. It was the most torturous ride ever. As you have read, Todd was as high as a kite. He was either talking our ear off or snoring really loud. Beckett was sitting in between us and he didn't pay him any attention. He had NO idea what was really going on. We had to stop every hour or so for him to smoke or "use the bathroom." It was tiring putting up with him like that.
When we got to the home, Bobby met us outside. He didn't seem anything like a drug addict. He was well dressed. He spoke clearly. He seemed genuine and acted as if he cared about Todd. He showed us the church and other facilities as Todd was getting "checked in." I say it like that because when we got back to the Men's Home (where Todd would be the next six months), Todd came straight up to me and very clearly stated, "They anointed me." I laughed and said, "Good. You need it."
Bobby prayed for us. Todd said his quick goodbyes and that was it. We left him.
I wanted you to know this complex web of past and present connections to know this: God was writing our story right in front of our eyes. If Kelly would not have been friends with Holly, Holly would never have known Bobby's story. If Karen wasn't friends with Holly, Karen would have never known Bobby's story. And most importantly for us, if Karen would not have known Bobby's story, Todd, Meagan, and Beckett McGuire would not be the family they are becoming today. This was only the beginning of journey with God through Victory Temple. We had no idea the things to come that God had already designed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)