--Ephesians 5:21
I don't know how many of you have ever heard the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real, but if you haven't, you need to listen here.
A year ago, when Todd was in one of his worst binges, I remember listening to this song and thinking, "How in the world will I ever have a husband like this?" I thought it was hopeless. When we would ride in the car together and this song would come on, I would drop subtle hints like, "This is my favorite song right now" and "I love this song. Just listen to the words." It didn't ever help though. When the song started off with the part that said, "I look around and see my wonderful life, Almost perfect from the outside," I almost lost it every time I heard it. That was MY life. COMPLETELY. If you were just an acquaintance of ours, you didn't know the truth. Honestly, even if you were a good friend of ours, you didn't know the truth. Because I was REALLY good at hiding it. I felt desperate, lonely, and hopeless. I wanted Todd to lead our family with "strong hands" to "stand up when I [couldn't]." But, I knew that not only could he not do it, but he WOULD not do it.
I wanted so badly not to be the strong one in our family. I didn't want to make the decisions anymore. I wanted to follow the biblical truth because I knew it was the right thing to do. I wanted someone to help me with the finances. I wanted to be submissive and obedient but, I didn't have to because it was never required from my husband. I wanted someone else to love Beckett as much as I did. And I never thought I would have it. But, I accepted my fate and decided to keep it as concealed as possible.
God changed that. He gave me a strong husband that is willing to fight for our family. He also gave me a husband that I can have dreams with and work together to accomplish them. He gave me a husband that loves Beckett more than anything. He gave me a husband that has chosen to support our family on his own and allow me to stay at home and be a mother. I am so thankful to God for his gift to me.
I'm not going to say it has been easy learning how to be a submissive and obedient wife though. Because of the things that Todd and I had gone through, I had built up mounds of resistance toward him. Also, I didn't think very highly of him, so why would I ever trust what he had to say. It takes a lot of patience, prayer, and guidance to try to be anything like what I know God wants me to be. It is a constant struggle for myself. Everything single day.
When I listen to the song "Lead Me" now, I feel completely different than I did a year ago. Instead of feelings like resentment and shame flooding me, I feel emotions like excitement, thankfulness, and fulfillment. I can't wait to see all the things God has stored for Todd and me during our marriage. They will be big.
Photography by one of my best friends, Kellie Snellings
I don't think this post could be any more beautiful!
ReplyDeleteYour family is adorable!