Coming home...

"But our citizenship is in Heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."

--Philippians 3:20

So, the last time I left you I had just been saved and was on cloud nine.  However, when I came back home from dropping Todd off at the Victory Home, it was the same old mundane life.  I returned to work.  I returned to stress.  It was hard to keep the fire that I felt when I was saved burning as strongly as ever.  Honestly, I think a lot of it was my fault.  I didn't really know what to do in order to keep myself so in tune with God that nothing else mattered.  This is just a side note...I have found that at any point in time when I start to feel lonely or insecure, I can usually relate that to my prayer life.  The more I pray and seek God's will, the more fulfilled I am and vice-versa.  I think that is how it is for most Christians.

At this point in mine and Todd's journey, I was so ready for a permanent change.  Anytime I returned home from a trip with Todd, I wanted more and more to be back where he was.  I wanted to start fresh with him.  And nothing else mattered.  

After Todd had been in the home for about four months, he dropped the "big one" on me.  He told me we needed to move to Fort Worth.  Now, for me, most people would think it would have been one of the hardest decisions of my life.  I had everything in Benton.  I had my dream job where I had worked so hard to reach my highest potential, I had both families around us, I had a great home that I loved, I had a ton of friends, etc.  But sometimes, in those instances where you look like you have it all, you feel the loneliest.  I was definitely lonely.  I felt as though no one else had been through the things that Todd and I had been through.  And when I thought about Todd moving back to Benton and us staying there for the rest of our lives, it made me sick.  Not because of the town, the people, or anything like that, but because of the memories we held there.  For me, the decision was easy, I was ready to go where I was being led.  Led by Todd, but most importantly, by God.  

When I returned home from the visit where Todd said we needed to move, I got on top of things.  Because I am a planner, I decided to get prepared.  Any minor thing that needed to be done to the house was taken care of in order to get it ready to sell. I got the carpets cleaned, the roof patched, the carpet repaired, etc.  However, everything was on the "down-low."  Now, thinking back, I'm not really sure why I was so worried about everything being hush-hush.  It was in that instance that I should have been the most vocal about all the things God was doing in mine and Todd's life and how He was guiding us into a new path in which we would be able to bless and be blessed the most. 

Now, all of you know what the housing market is like...Well, when God is your pilot and steering you in a direction He wants you to go, you can throw the housing market and all its statistics out the window.  Todd and I sold our home in about 3 weeks.  The weird things about it was is during those 3 weeks, I wasn't really worried about it selling.  I just knew it would happen.  It had to happen.  And if we didn't sell it before we moved, we would just figure it out.  The thing I was worried about was breaking the news to a few people.   

I will say this... there were two people/groups that I was afraid to tell.  The first was my dad and the second was "my girls."  

I am an only child.  I have always been a daddy's girl and a mama's girl.  My dad was very proud of the person I had become and still am.  He was proud of all the accomplishments I had made while working for my school district.  He was proud to be able to tell people that "my girls" had won numerous competitions.  He was proud of the mom I had become and the home I had.  My dad was/is so proud of me.  I really felt like leaving all those things would let him down.  When you tell someone you love things that you know will disappoint them, you try to tread lightly.  Now, I'm not going to say my dad was thrilled with the decision Todd and I had made and I completely understand why he wouldn't have been.  How in the world was he supposed to be able to trust Todd who he only knew as an immature boy who not only couldn't, but wouldn't take care of his only daughter and grandchild.  

The second group I was most worried about telling was "my girls."  I knew I would be letting them down in the sense that I was leaving in the middle of the year.  I knew they would be heart-broken and honestly, I believe I was just as heart-broken to leave them.  When I sat down to tell them, I couldn't get anything out.  I was really so consumed with emotion that I was at a loss for words.  Honestly, I don't know if any of them knew what I was about to tell them (or they could have all known).  It was as bad as I thought it would be.  I was sick to my stomach the whole day before I was able to tell them.  I put on a fake smile the first few minutes of class and then, just broke down.  

A lot of times in life people wonder why God put them in certain positions.  In response to "my girls" I have often questioned what my purpose was for their lives after I realized God wanted me elsewhere.  And then, it just hit me one day like a ton of bricks.  It doesn't matter how much technique, choreography, discipline, etc. I taught them.  Actually, in the long run, all that stuff is superficial.  The reason I was there coach was so they would be able to see God's work in my life.  Not even during the time I was their actual coach.  But now, in my rawest form where I can give glory only to God for the change he has brought in my life.