"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..."
--Isaiah 43:1-3
When I left Todd the first time I visited him, I was rejuvenated. My mind had been completely changed the moment I saw Todd. I was able to forgive him for everything. I know that you probably don't believe me, and that is fine, because honestly, I doubt I would have believed someone saying that they forgave EVERYTHING their drug-addict husband had done to them and their child. I don't know what to attribute to the fact that I forgave him in that instance except for God's divine plan for our lives. Because if I had not been able to forgive him right then, I wouldn't have been able to be open-minded to the changes that were about to take place in not only our family's life, but my life.
As I left Fort Worth that weekend, Todd and I agreed I would come back the following weekend. You see, we had so much to talk about and get caught up on that the 2 hours we were able to have with each other wasn't enough. We needed more time to see where we were headed next. I needed more time to get to know the new, growing Todd. I called Nick, the home director, during the week and asked him if I would be able to come down and visit him. He didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. He said Todd would be going to a conference in San Antonio the following Sunday and that "I was welcome to come, but I would only be able to sit with him at church. He would be leaving immediately after service." Perfect. That was all I needed. Just to be able to sit by him. That weekend came and went. I got to see Todd and only talk to him for a few minutes after church. But it was fine.
During the time Todd was in the home for the first 2 months, his grandpa was back in Benton getting worse. After falling one day and breaking his hip, he was admitted to the hospital, never to return home again. I remember the night Todd's dad called me. I had already gone to bed and was asleep, but told them to call me if anything happened. Steve said, "Meagan, he's gone." I went to visit Pawpaw and the rest of the family at the hospice center. It was surreal that this was happening and Todd wasn't able to be around for it. Especially, now that he was sober and actually able to feel REAL feelings. I hated and hurt for him the entire time I was there. I was scared too though. Honestly, I was scared he would come home for good. I was scared his family would want him to stay home. I didn't want him home...yet. I honestly wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared. I went to Fort Worth the next morning to pick Todd up. I was relieved to have him be able to come home, but broken about the circumstances.
At home, Todd was looked to for strength, probably for the first time in his life. He handled the pressure well. I knew he was heart broken because he wasn't able to be there the last moments of Pawpaw's life, but he didn't think about it at that time. He thought about taking care of everyone else in his family. This was one of the first signs to me that Todd was changing. As an addict, he was completely consumed in his feelings and his agenda. It didn't matter what anyone else wanted or asked; he was going to do his OWN thing. Not this time though. He was aware of everyone's well-being, not his.
The day after the funeral, I took Todd back to Fort Worth. It wasn't a good drive. The entire time, he was nervous and sick at his stomach. By that time, I was beginning to understand the strain the Victory Home can put on someone. We stopped and ate at a place about an hour away. Both of us couldn't eat anything because we knew what was coming up: SEPARATION. Again. Except this time there were about four months left.
I dropped Todd off at the Victory Home and was sick to my stomach. Every other time I had left Todd in Fort Worth, I was uplifted. Not this time. This time, selfishly, I was sad. I was sad for the four months Todd would miss with Beckett. But, at the same time, I knew that Todd needed to stay in order for him to become the man our family needed.
This next part is what I have been waiting to tell...
When I was 7, I thought I was saved. I knew there was a God. I knew I wanted to get baptized. I knew I wanted to join the church. So, I did. I walked through the motions.
When I was 10, I thought I was saved again. Yes, I was older, and able to understand who God was and why I needed him. I was afraid of God. I wanted so bad to have a relationship with him, but didn't really understand what that meant.
When I was in high school, I began to doubt my salvation. This continued for about 13 years. Everyday (yes, I mean everyday), I would wonder if the Rapture was going to occur. I was so afraid God would forget about me and leave me behind. If I woke up in the middle of the night and didn't hear my dad snoring, I would go in to see if my parents were still there. If I didn't hear anyone talking in the next room, I would go in to see if they were there. I would have these daydreams of my entire family vanishing and me being here on this earth, alone. If you have never thought about that, it's an extremely scary, lonely feeling. But, as human nature goes, I would repeat the things I had said in my "salvation prayer" at the age of 10 and talk myself back into the fact that yes, I was saved. I said the right things. I took all the correct steps. I was fine. Let me reiterate, this would happen EVERYDAY. No one ever knew though. I was too proud to tell anyone. I mean, I had already thought I was saved once, so surely, just surely, I was saved the second time. Plus, I did everything right. I went to church. I was in Sunday School. I was a nice person. I "prayed" to God. And let me tell you this, I was a great talker. I fooled everyone. Even myself. What really got me thinking about the validity of my salvation was something Todd said the night before I took him back. As we were laying in bed that night, I asked him, "When you pray, do you try to imagine what God looks like?" I wanted reassurance that I wasn't the only one who did that. Since I knew Todd was saved, if he said yes, then, I would know I was okay and once again, talk myself back into my salvation. Without hesitation, he said, "No...but I used to." I was sick. Now, I am not saying that believers never picture what God looks like. I think a lot of us do. But, I was trying to picture him for the wrong reason. I was doing it to make him more real to me because I was lacking in faith.
I was listening to this Christian CD in my car on the drive home from Fort Worth after dropping Todd off. "How Great Is Our God" is the 9th track to the CD. I have heard this song hundreds of time, but as I started listening to it I thought, "I wonder if I will get anything out of this song tonight." By the time the chorus came on, the Holy Spirit was convicting me more than ever before. This time, when I walked myself through the things I had said when I was ten, I couldn't talk myself into the fact that I was saved. I knew at that moment that, yes, I would be left if the Rapture happened that night. I pulled off the road in Texarkana and asked God to forgive me of my sins and save me. I decided I wanted a REAL relationship with Him at that time. It was that simple. That was all I had to do for those 13 years. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me. That is the thing, by that time, everyone else would have given up on me. Even the devil had given up on me. He knew I was already taken care of because of how proud a person I was. But, not God. God will never give up on us.
I was so excited. At that moment, I was ready to go to Heaven. I had never felt a feeling like it before. I cried, sang, and just rejoiced in the fact that now, Jesus had my back forever. :) I called my parents. I didn't know what they would think. I said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. It's kind of embarrassing and you will never believe it. I just got saved." Honestly, my mom knows me so well that when I got to the point where I paused before telling her I was saved, she figured it out. Not because she thought I wasn't, but because she knows me that well.
I had told Todd I would call the home when I got home. I prayed he would answer the phone. He did. When I told him, I think he was shocked. See, I had fooled him just like I had fooled myself and everyone around us.
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