"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
--Psalms 51:10
Three days after we got home, I got a phone call. Yes, the dreaded phone call. But, luckily, I was busy. I was actually getting "my girls" ready for camp that we would be headed to the next day. This was actually the same day I talked about in my last post. At the same practice that I told my girls Todd had left for 6 months, Todd called me. Did I answer? NO. I knew it was him wanting his parents or me to bail him out. He was ready to tell me every excuse to why he could make it at home. On the inside, I just knew that Todd was scared. He was running away from his problems once again. He was proving to me that he was not changing and still remaining the "young child" we had left in Fort Worth. So, yes, I didn't answer it. I didn't want to talk to him. I was tired of enabling him.
As the month and a half before we went to visit Todd went by, I was testing myself. Honestly, I was testing myself to see if I could do it alone. That is, be a single, working mom. Throughout the month and a half, I realized it was easier to be without Todd than to be with him. I could relax more because I didn't have to worry about what he was doing, I could make decisions for Beckett and myself, and I had plenty of help with Beckett in case of a conflict with work during the night. I COULD do it. To tell you the truth, I don't know if I ever really prayed for Todd during that time. I didn't care if he made it or not because I was independent and self-sufficient.
I knew I couldn't write Todd the first month he was there. And that was relieving because whenever he had gone to rehab before, it had become a hassle to write him everyday. After a month had gone by, I decided to write Todd ONE letter. I only wanted to update him on Beckett and let him know we were doing fine without him. I didn't really want to go visit him because I knew it would bring back the same emotions I had pushed away for so long.
As we started off for Fort Worth on a Friday morning, I was excited. Not because we were going to visit Todd, but because I was off that Friday and we were going down a day early to shop. Todd's parents, Beckett, and I headed out to an outlet mall and had a great time. But, in the back of my mind, I knew why we were there. We were there to see if this place had worked for Todd. I was there to test Todd to see if he was changing. Honestly, at that point, I didn't believe he had or possibly that he ever could change.
On Saturday, I started to get anxious. We didn't have much planned for that day, so it was hard to stay focused on being independent, not caring about Todd, and shutting down emotionally.
When I woke up Sunday morning, my stomach was in knots. Not only was I getting to see my husband (who I didn't know if I still wanted him to be my husband), but he was getting to see Beckett and me. I had thought for a long time about what rude or snide comment I could make to him about where he was and what he was doing. About how I was at home supporting Beckett and me, ALONE, once again. But, on the other hand, there was a possibility that something could have changed in him. I gave that possibility about 5%. He had never proven otherwise up to that point. I was also nervous about going to the church service. I had heard from Holly (if you remember Holly, she was the one that got us connected with Victory Temple) that Victory Temple was rather "energetic."
When we drove up, one of the ushers parked us. We got out and stated walking up to the church. At this point, I still didn't know how I would react when I saw Todd. There was a huge group of guys lined up outside of the church. I figured Todd what most likely in this big group. I started looking for him and finally, saw him. I describe the next few minutes of our lives like that you would see in a movie. We saw each other at the same moment. In that moment, I forgave Todd. I forgave him for everything. He didn't have to say anything or do anything, I just forgave him: COMPLETELY. We ran towards each other as quickly as possible. Of course, I started crying (with the ugly cry face). I couldn't contain all my emotions. For years, I had so much resent and hatred towards Todd for all the things he had put me and now, Beckett, through. And now it was gone. At that moment, I knew that mine and Todd's marriage would never be the same. I truly knew Todd had changed and it was time for me to change my attitude towards him. I would say this point in time was the SECOND most important time in my life. (I will tell you about the FIRST one in the next few posts).
As we were seated at church, Todd wasted no time to get down on his knees and start praying. Now, to me, that was a little strange. It was quite different from our ritualistic service back at home. He stayed there for awhile, actually it was about 30 minutes. Then service started. Service=one hour of praise and worship + 1.5 to 2 hours of preaching. This was COMPLETELY different. At home, we are used to getting out of service within 1.25 hours, for sure no more than 1.5 hours. I mean, people have to go eat their traditional Sunday lunch no later than 12:00. During praise and worship, I was completely blown away and almost nervous the entire time. I had heard of churches like this, but never actually experienced one. The kind I am talking about is where people are jumping up and down in the front, clapping, raising their hands, dancing in the aisles, etc. Don't worry, though, I just stood there with my arms folded over one another because I didn't need to praise God like all the drug addicts in the church with me. Honestly, I couldn't keep my eyes off Todd. He was joining in with everyone else and I didn't understand. He knew that wasn't how WE worshiped and I didn't understand how HE was able to do it.
When church was over, we went out to eat with Todd. I just remember not being able to eat a thing because I was just in awe of him. Finally, the person I thought I had married was present with me, in our own little world. I didn't really even know what to say to him. I realized during this time we would have to get to know each other again, in a different way. I sure hoped that I would be able to love him again the way I once had.
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