The Secret of the Lord...

"...because the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as His son.  Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children.  For what children are not disciplined by their Father?"
--Hebrews 12:6,7


"Without faith, it is impossible to please God.  For he who comes to God, must believe He exists, and rewards those who diligently seek Him."
--Hebrews 11:6


"Therefore, if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation.  Old things have passed away; look, new things have come!"
--II Corinthians 5:17


The day after I got home from the hospital Bobby had come by to check on things. I was wiping off the baseboards and the trim after class because my stretch of discipline had begun. Already knowing I was on discipline he asked me how things were going. I told him what I had done and what my consequences were. He then went on to tell me that Meagan had told him on the phone that she had hoped the leaders were not being too tough on me. Bobby then told her that he hoped that they were being very hard on me and the he was praying that I would get on discipline. I thought to myself gee thanks man, what a pal. He then informed me that it wasn't fair to me or Meagan that he tell either one of us that he talked to the other one so he said that was done.


A week or so went by and discipline wasn't getting any easier. I had done it all from the dishes after each meal (meals that served 60+ guys), trimming the grass with scissors, and the toughest one...scrubbing rocks. When you are on discipline and you can't seem to get it right the next step is to scrub rocks. That consists of a bucket of soapy water, a toothbrush and the lava rocks out in front of the men's home. From 7a.m. until midnight I got 3 restroom breaks and 3 meals. Also it was the first of July and in Texas it was already getting well over 100 degrees. I decided to come to the home today to help out and it just so happens that there were a couple of guys who were out scrubbing rocks. 

We went by the home today and just so happened to see a few of the "Homeboys" on the rock duty.  We thought you could see what it was like.

The first Sunday that I went to church was tough. I had been in the home for a little over a week and my head was pretty much totally cleared up. It was now clear to me what I had done to my family and the possibility that I may never see my wife and son again had set in and I was truly struggling. We got to Church early that morning and we began to go through our daily proverbs. As each guy started sharing about what the proverbs meant to him one of them said something like "...and today being Father's Day..." It hit me like a ton of bricks.  This was my first Father's Day as a father and my son's first Father's Day on this Earth. What a father I was. Most guys would have had an excuse to leave right then and there, but not me. Where in the heck was I going to go? For once in my life it was time to be a man and face this thing so that I could maybe give my son many more Father's Days.


It wasn't until I had been in the home for a little over two weeks and I was at Church for the second time. Before the service starts we have prayer time for 30 minutes. I was still pretty much praying for God to get me out of there and restore my life. Looking back on things he answered that prayer at this moment. During prayer I gave up and surrendered my life to God...For Real this time. Yeah I thought I had accepted Jesus as the boss of my life when I was 12 but I honestly didn't know what it meant to live like that. Now I did and I was learning more and more each day. I began to cry out to God and my prayer was simple. I told him that I knew that he wanted me there and I just ask him to help me stay there and to come into my life and become real. From that moment on I began to pray for Meagan and for everyone else. I decided that I had been living for me long enough and it was time to change. God had stolen my heart and I was falling deeper in love with him each day.


Another 2 weeks went by and the discipline was really getting to me. The days were getting long and I began to tell God that I was tired, BUT I would do it as long as he was asking me to do it. You see after I had my moment at Church I had come to the realization of a lot of things. One of those being that the leaders in the home did not have me doing the discipline...God did. The Bible says that God disciplines those he loves. Man, he really loves me! Also at this time I started thinking about the possibility of my family coming to visit me. For the first 30 days in the home there is no contact with the outside world. After that you can begin to write letters and you can have visitors at Church. Things seem to be going as well as they possibly could for me. After spending 30+ days on discipline God decided to take me off and for the first time in over a month I got just a little bit of rest. 


On Friday, July 15th, 4 days after mine and Meagan's 2 year anniversary, one of the leaders came in and gave me a letter from Meagan and he then said, "come talk to me after you read it." They read all of our incoming and outgoing mail for our own safety. I was nervous to read it because I knew what I was going through but didn't really have any idea about Meagan. The letter basically said something along the lines of "I am still extremely mad, I do not want to come see you at all and the only reason I am coming is so that you can see Beckett, and because your parents want to...That is it!" It was pretty much just 3 pages of that message. When I finished reading it I was heartbroken. I thought I was doing everything right now...and I was, but 1 month of the right thing doesn't erase years of the wrong things. My leader helped me understand that I was in the presence of God day-in and day-out and Meagan wasn't, in fact most people weren't...not like I was. He told me that it would take A LOT longer for her to come around, if she ever did.


The next day was my 25th birthday, so now I had missed my very first Father's Day, my 2 year wedding anniversary, and my 25th birthday. There was nothing special about that day, but yet it was great to be sober and doing everything that I did of the glory of God. For once in my life I had no problems, at least none that I had any control over. I had done all I could and now all I could do is just live for Jesus and let him take care of the rest.


On July 17th, as I was getting out of my first Bible study of the day at Church and was waiting to go in to the Sanctuary with the rest of the guys, one of them said, "hey Todd, I think your family is here." They knew them because of how often I showed off the pictures. I walked around the corner not knowing what to expect, and when I did Meagan, holding Beckett, came running in to my arms and she was sobbing, (for those of you who know her, she calls it the ugly cry face). We were both overwhelmed with emotion and I think for me at first I was just so very happy to see them and to know that they cared enough to come see me.

A picture of the first time Meagan and Beckett came to visit.

For a long time I hoped that they would come see the home and the Church and it would scare them and they would want to take me back home but for the 2-3 weeks before they came I begged God for them to fall in love with this place as I had. Some people might be wondering what I mean. This place is radical for God. People like me who have devoted so much time and effort and led the devil's army for so long NEED a place that is that much more devoted to God and leading his army. At first my family was a little reserved (A lot reserved compared to everyone else who was singing and crying out to God). Coming from a Southern Baptist Church in central Arkansas where it is almost frowned upon to raise your hands in worship, they had some adjusting to do. For those people who do frown upon stuff like raising your hands in worship, well shame on you, you should be grateful for what God has delivered you from. If you are one of people who have never had any monster struggles (and you are not, because you are not Jesus) then you should be more grateful than those of us who have. I am grateful for where God saved me from. I feel like jumping up and down and shouting out all day every day. I don't ever want to go back. And you might not have ever done drugs, and that's great! But, the people who 'just' lie or 'just' cheat on their taxes from time to time do not get an air conditioner in hell, sorry. 


I had to get that off my chest because I know that someone will read this and think "well my sins are not as bad as his so I can just talk to God on Sundays and sometimes Wednesdays". Sorry it doesn't work like that, EVERYONE needs Jesus ALL the time. 


Moving on, Church went great, they loved it. It was refreshing. Nick let us go out to eat as a family afterwards for my birthday. It was a blessing, I was able to share with them what God was doing in my life. Without being a Bible thumper or getting all religious with them. God had changed me, but he still has a long way to go. I had now accepted the fact that I was going to be at the place for a quite a while so I might as well give God all I have. Little did I know my life was about to be one big blessing. After getting a good meal and spending a little bit of time in the Stockyards in Ft. Worth they took me back to the home. That was one of the hardest things to do was to see them leave knowing that they actually did still care for me. In fact, Meagan told me again when she got there that she didn't want to come and she told my parents on the way down there that they were not coming back for a long while. After saying all of that she then went on to tell me that she would be making the 5 hour drive the following weekend to go to Church with me again...Thank You Jesus! 


The first 6 weeks were tough but God had only scratch the surface of my life. He certainly was not done shaping and molding me and stretching me to my limit. 


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