The addiction comes to light...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."
--Romans 8:28


Meagan and I got settled in and started our new little adventure. I was still getting a $600 check in the mail each week and by this time was doing absolutely nothing work related. It was about time for Meagan to go back to school and this meant it was time for me to have all day at home conjuring up different ways to get my fix. I couldn't wait for her to go back to work honestly. I knew that my job wasn't going to last much longer so I milked it for all it was worth. The poor guy finally called me in late August of 2009 and told me that it just didn't make sense for him to keep paying me...duh, I thought. 


It wasn't long before I got in touch with one of the owners of a local car dealership and we talked about possibilities for my employment with them. I started to work for them around the end of September of 09. I was still taking the pills, but never really letting it affect me at work. I had been there for a couple of months and things seemed to be going really well. I had made some friends and established myself there. 


One day in mid-December 2009 things changed in my life and they have never been the same. I was not having any problems getting the pills I needed to maintain my addiction. I don't know if I got bored with that or what, but on this particular day I decided I was going to break into my neighbors house, or a house nearby mine. So I left on my lunch break and drove to my parents house to get a crow-bar from my dad's shop. I then went near my house and drove around for a bit. I passed by some friends of mine and my families house and I remember thinking "hmmm, they seem like the type of people that if they had been prescribed pain medicine that they would take one or two and put the rest up in the cabinet". Reading that now it sounds so ignorant, but those were my exact thoughts.


So in the middle of the day there I was in a residential neighborhood kicking and prying at their side door of their house. I circled the house once or twice and about the same time I made it back to the door I was working on and 2 police cars came flying onto the property. They asked me what I was doing and of course I lied. The next thing I knew I was in an investigation room with 3 or 4 detectives telling my story and then I was off to jail.


My Aunt, mom and dad, and Meagan were there shortly to bail me out (they did that a lot for the next few months). I went home and that night we met at a local counseling clinic and I spilled my guts about exactly what I was doing. I really didn't leave out anything and honestly I was super tired of taking the pills and at the beginning I was relieved that it had all come to light and I had a chance to quit with HELP! 


I started classes and meetings as I awaited my court date. I truly wanted to clean up and grow up but it just wouldn't last. I had been in the local program for about a month and a half when I decided to break the law again. I didn't get caught by law enforcement but I did get caught by one of my counselors who immediately suggested that I go to an inpatient facility. So I called Meagan and told her that is what I had decided to do and at the time she was actually happy for me.


In mid-February 2010 I checked into a rehab in Little Rock for 30 days. Not before going to a 7-day detox that was one of the worst experiences of my life. By the time I got over to the rehab and in that time Meagan had found out what I had done in order to end up there. She was furious. Things got better and she and my mom and dad came to visit me after I had been gone for about 10 days. At that time I began publicly smoking cigarettes and we all thought I could quit the pills and then I could focus on stopping the smoking.   


During all of this my grandfather had begun his intense chemotherapy for his stage 4 lung cancer. I had been so afraid something would happen to him while I was away. It seemed like the 36 days that I was gone was an eternity. It was amazing when I got out though. Meagan and I were so happy and we just spent all of our time together. We went on dates and just really enjoyed each other. It was all short-lived and my screw-ups were far from over.


...


After we got back from our Honeymoon, I decided to re-group.  I just put the things that had happened behind me and decided to move forward.  It wasn't that easy, but I HAD to make it work.  People always talk about how the first year of marriage is the hardest.  This gave me comfort.  I figured that Todd and I weren't the only ones going through a rough phase in our relationship.  However, when we hung out with other friends that had not been married long, they seemed happier.  It seemed easy for them.  Not for us.  


Our lives changed completely in December.  One day in mid-December, I went to my parents house during my lunch break to visit my mom.  I had tried to call Todd a couple of times that morning and thought it was weird when he didn't respond.  At first, I didn't think anything about it, but then I got worried.  We had argued a little before work that day and I was already feeling guilty about it.  I texted and called him a couple of more times and had no response.  I decided to call his work.  I could tell something was really wrong when I got in touch with someone there.  They didn't necessarily tell me something was wrong, I just knew.  I called Todd's mom to see if she had heard anything.  I could tell from the sound of her voice that something was terribly wrong.  Honestly, I was afraid she was going to tell me Todd had been hurt or in a car accident.  Boy, was I shocked when she told me what was going on.  Todd had been arrested that day.  


I can't describe the intense feelings I had when I heard those words.  I was completely numb.  I couldn't think logically.  I was hysterical.  I think I felt every emotion possible.  I know that God was with me that day because my mom was there.  Had I not been with my mom, I don't know if I would have been able to keep it together.   We had to go meet Todd's family at the police station.  That day I found out several things that I had never known.  I found out Todd had a serious addiction.  I found out that my life was not going to be perfect and definitely not going to be what I had once thought it would.  I became extremely vulnerable.  Everywhere I went, I felt like people were staring or talking bad about Todd or me.  Many people questioned why I stayed with Todd.  Many people questioned a lot of things about us over the next few years.  I was supposed to have it together and here my husband was breaking into a house.  It didn't make sense...


That night, we got a plan into action.  I didn't know anything about addiction, much less if it was treatable and how.  Todd would start attending a local counseling clinic in what they called "Intensive outpatient treatment."  I felt better.  Because I am so logical and plan-oriented, I just wanted a checklist to complete.  The checklist would equal a normal life...Or so I thought.  Everything was taken away from Todd.  All of his freedom.  We watched him like a hawk.  He was treated as if he was a child.  We consoled, babied, lectured, etc.  I thought that if I told Todd the right things, then he would change.  I am a fixer.  I thought I was "fixing" him.  Todd didn't get anything out of the clinic.  In fact, he relapsed while going to the meetings.  


In February of 2010, Todd entered a 30 day inpatient treatment facility.  I remember thinking how proud of him I was that he had decided to take this step and finally realize his problem.  I mean, I was really PROUD of him.  Then, I found out he was only going because he was scared of getting in trouble.  I was so mad.  I felt stupid.  I felt betrayed, once again.  I didn't understand how it could be so hard to just STOP.  Anything bad you could think of your husband, I probably did.  During the time Todd was there, I decided I needed to get closer to God.  God is who we turn to whenever we need help, RIGHT?  He knows all the answers.  I went through all the motions.  I read a bible study.  I wrote down my prayers for Todd everyday and mailed them to him.  I thought that by me doing a bible study and saying the "right" things to Todd, he would change.  Honestly, as the time went by, I felt closer to Todd than I ever had.  He was changing.  He looked healthier when we went to visit him.  He was ONLY smoking.  I didn't even care because he wasn't taking pills.  We didn't want him to get too frustrated trying to stop smoking that he went to pills again, so I said it was okay for awhile. (That sounds so stupid now) The problem with me was, I was trying to fix Todd.  I didn't think a thing about fixing myself.  I was fine.  I didn't have an addiction.  I had a good job and people liked me.  


The next few months, Todd and I really enjoyed being around each other.  He was sober. I wasn't being controlling.  I trusted him.