"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, "Go, throw yourself into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he said will happen, it will be done for him."
--Mark 11:23
The day had come. For me that meant a lot of things but only one of them really stuck out. I would love to say that one thing was the fact that I was marrying my best friend or something like that. Please do not get me wrong, marrying Meagan was probably one of the only positive decision I made in this stretch of my life and oh my goodness how I love her, but we will get to that later just wanted to clear that up. The main thing that really stuck out to me was how will I ever keep up my addiction when she is going to be around me all day every day. Could it even be done? The worst thought/feeling/emotion that a drug addict has is the thought of not having the drug.
I arrived at the Church feeling great. Remember at this time I am still prescribed to plenty of Xanax and didn't seem to have much of a problem getting the pain meds either. I wasn't nervous at all...yet. I had a great time with my groomsman and ushers joking around and all, but that was short-lived as the wedding coordinator told us it was time to roll. As soon as everyone was in position I waited by the side door and my nerves were crazy!! I asked one of the ministers who was doing the ceremony to cut some of it out...really? It seemed like there were a million people there and all eyes were on me. There wasn't enough medication for the anxiety that I was having. Meagan came in and I remember thinking to myself how beautiful she was.
Finally, the wedding was over and it was off to the reception. This was the easy part. The pills made me extra talkative so I had no problem chatting it up and getting all the attention. Plus, I was about to go on an all expenses paid trip to Maui. We headed to Little Rock for the night but not before we stopped to get some alcohol. As we arrived I only had one thing on my mind. You guessed it...Pills. In my mind all I needed was a good fix and a stiff drink and since I already had the girl I didn't need much else.
We hopped on the plane early the next morning and we were off. Meagan had gotten some pills to help her fly. Not knowing anything about my problem or even what the pills were that she was taking she took one of the Xanax and gave me one to take as well (she didn't know because it was a generic pill). We landed in Maui later that afternoon and it was amazing.
The next morning we decided to go drive around. We found this neat little store on the side of the road and decided to stop. I failed to mention that due to the anxiety before the wedding I had shingles on my forehead. So the big Pacific Islander that owned the store was chatting with us and sort of joked about how I probably got some good pain medicine for the shingles. I kind of chuckled and said "no, not really", he responded "do you want something?", I could tell by his facial expressions he meant smoking pot. Meagan and I argued back and forth about if I was going to do it or not, even though both of us knew I had my mind made up and nothing was going to stop that. So I sat with this random stranger who lived in his camp behind his store on the side of the road and got high. When I got back in the car I could tell Meagan was different she was more than mad. She began yelling at me and then she said it... something like "Oh my gosh what have I done? I have made a huge mistake." These words cut deep, through all the drugs, through everything in me. That was about the only thing that she could have said that hurt me. Not ten minutes after she said it, she apologized and I guess she felt so guilty that she even offered to take me back out there to smoke with that guy again before we went to the luau a couple of days later. That day was also my birthday and I now could not wait.
The luau night came and sure enough we drove me back out to the middle of nowhere so that I could get high with this random stranger I met 2 days earlier. On top of the weed I proceeded to get highly intoxicated that night. Off we went to the luau where I ate like I was without food for the 5 days previous, I dropped our camera and broke it and to top off the night I fell and spilled my drink all over another couple that was on their honeymoon as well.
The next day it was time to head back home. I couldn't wait to get home because I was in need of some drugs. We got back early the next morning and after hurrying both of our parents out of the house I made up something to get out of there and headed to get my fix.
...
Before I tell about our wedding and honeymoon through my perspective, I want you to know that some of the feelings I am going to express, I have never told anyone. I mean I have told Todd, but not even my closest family or friends. I say that to let you know this... Through Todd's experience, I have learned things about myself that I do not like. I have learned things that I am beginning to work on and still have a long ways to go. One of my biggest character flaws is my pride. I have told Todd several times over the past few months that my pride was definitely part of God's divine plan. Not that God wants us to be prideful, but because of pride and God, I stayed with Todd. God knew his plan for our family.
I want to take a minute and talk about our showers. If you haven't figured this out yet, Todd and I are blessed with so many friends and family who support us (not that they have supported all our decisions, but they have definitely LOVED us through all our decisions). Our friends and family showered us with gifts of all kinds. At many of the showers, I would go with the most nervous stomach ever. I didn't know that Todd was high on pills all the time, but I knew he drank a lot. I was so scared he would show up to some of our showers drunk. And he did. But, like the perfectionist and prideful person that I am, I protected and made up stories to cover him or even pretended like I didn't know. I didn't want anyone to know that my life was not perfect and them think that my fiance was not the best fit for me.
YAY! It was time for our big day with all the bells and whistles. I (along with several other people) had planned, prepared, decorated, bought, rented, altered everything in order for the perfect wedding for Todd and me. Well, really just for me, because like I said, Todd didn't really care about all the logistics of it. At our church in Benton, we decided to go through marriage counseling through our pastor. I was so excited because I knew through the different couple role-models in my life and through different mentors I have had that marriage counseling was just the "right thing to do." I went into thinking, "I don't really need to hear any of this stuff, but Todd does. Hopefully, he will finally choose to grow up, lead me, get rid of all the nonsense in his life (still didn't know he was doing pills), and be a man." I remember that at almost every meeting we had, Todd would tend to nod off. There was nothing more embarrassing than sitting in front of the pastor of your church and you fiance starts to nod off and doesn't have anything relevant to say when asked a question. I tried to cover for him through every meeting and hoped the entire time that he wouldn't say anything crazy. I would "secretly" pinch, poke, and clear my throat just so he would stay focused. One time I even asked him what was going on and he answered with, "Well, I needed to take a Tylenol because my head was hurting, but I think I accidentally took a couple of Tylenol PM's." I believed him...
I was so excited on July 11, 2009, because I WAS GETTING MARRIED! It had finally arrived. Todd and I got married in our church in Benton and we were headed to Hawaii the next day. I loved having all of my best friends in the same room with me, preparing me to see my new husband. We laughed, joked, cried, and talked about old times. They were so supportive of me.
We found out that morning that Todd had shingles. I didn't really know what shingles were, but someone told me they were supposed to be very painful. All I was worried about was Todd's head and the huge bulge coming out from it. I didn't want anyone to make fun of him on the "perfect" wedding day. And I wanted our pictures to be good. Yes, I said it. But, don't worry. Todd didn't feel like getting his picture taken much. He said it was too hot outside. Our photographer (Amber McAdoo) is awesome did a great and we ended up with AMAZING pictures. The ceremony was flawless. Everything went just as I had planned. The church was decorated beautifully (thanks to Shannon White and Debbie Bridges). Our vows were said, our friends prayed over us, the choir sang for us; it was definitely a production. God was there. He may not have been mine and Todd's focus, but his divine plan was laying itself out. I was so proud when the pastor announced us as man and wife and we turned around to see so many people. Once again, there is my pride issue.
We had a great reception and were sent off on our way for our honeymoon. I couldn't wait to see all the surprises Todd had for me at the Peabody Hotel for our first night. When we got there, it was empty. No flowers. No present. No romance. We ate. We sat up and talked a little about the wedding. Nothing exciting. Nothing like I expected. That was the first time I thought to myself, "Oh no. What has happened? What have I gotten myself in to?" I fell asleep and brushed it off.
I am terrified of flying. Each time I fly, I hate it more. I had gone to the doctor to ask if there was something that I could take to help me from being so nervous. I now know that what he prescribed me was Xanax. I was relieved that I had something to make me feel a little more at ease at flying and told Todd about it. He casually asked if he could have one too. I didn't think anything about it and let him have one. Now, I am one of those people that if the doctor tells you to take 2 tablespoons of something, I will take just under the 2 tablespoon mark. So, I knew exactly how many pills I had and exactly when and how many I should take. Our flight went fine, Todd and I were excited to get to Hawaii. When we got there, we went to rent our car. I was inside getting the car and Todd stayed outside with all our luggage. I looked back at him to smile and saw him reaching into my purse. I thought that was odd because Todd had always said he didn't like getting into my purse. As we were driving to the hotel, I took the pills out of my purse and counted them. He had taken several of them. I WAS FURIOUS! Actually, I was so furious, I opened the bottle up and chunked all of them out the window, except for one that I could use on the way back home. I remember thinking, "I'm really going to show you who is boss." That is the first BIG sign I should have seen.
Our honeymoon was not great. You may have figured that out from Todd's post. We didn't do anything really fun like walk around town, lay on the beach, or sight see. We just laid around in the room, drove around, and went to a luau. This is not my personality at all. One day, we were driving around and we spotted this little hut where this man was selling different souvenirs. When we met the guy that Todd told you about, I was frustrated. After Todd went to smoke with him on his nasty bed under this huge tree, I went and sat in the car and cried. I sobbed. I was so heartbroken. I knew I had made a mistake and when Todd got back in the car, I told him. I couldn't believe I had married someone that was doing this...on our honeymoon. Was I not the most important person to him at that time? Was getting high more important than making me happy??!! It was. And I realized it.
Todd didn't react the way I thought he was going to. He literally showed the most emotion that I have ever seen from him. I could tell I had gotten to him. He had broken my heart. I had broken his heart. I felt so guilty. I actually felt so guilty that I took him back to the place. Can we say enabler??? Yes, I was an enabler. That is many of us who have addicts as loved ones, problem. We allow and enable it to happen. Even if we don't realize it. Anyways...the last night we were there, we went to a luau. It was Todd's bday. I was so nervous he was going to embarrass me. And he did. He fell on the people beside us, he talked loudly, he ate sloppily, he acted so immature. I was so ready to leave Hawaii and get back to real life, where I was comfortable and where I knew I had more support than from the boy I had just married.
No comments:
Post a Comment