A Hardened Heart...

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God."

--Romans 8:18-21

By the time Todd came home from detox, I was completely numb to everything.  Numb to hurt.  Numb to disappointment.  And definitely, numb to love.  Sometimes when I think about how distant I had become from Todd, I wonder why I didn't leave him.  But, once again, God had a plan and it was NOT in His plan for that to happen.  And it didn't, thank the LORD.  We, as believers, must be reminded of this everyday.  For if we follow OUR plans, we will fail.  

I had "kicked" Todd out of the house when he came home.  I laid down a few ground rules too:

1.  He could not spend the night at our house.  

2.  He DEFINITELY couldn't use the debit card because it was MY money.  After all, I had worked my tail off to get into the position I was in. 

3.  He couldn't be alone with Beckett (after you read my last post, you know exactly why)

Now, I thought the rules were pretty easy.  They were too easy.  Todd used his time at his parent's home as an escape from responsibility.  It gave him more freedom.  He could look for pills all day long and no one would ever know.  I, for once, had some peace and quiet time.  I loved every minute of it.  I still worried about Todd, but my feelings were dwindling.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?  It was relaxing in our house for once.  Right now, thinking back, I'm trying to remember what kind of emotions I felt towards Todd during those few weeks and honestly, nothing but anger and disgust comes to mind.  I know it sounds awful to think that of your husband.  We are supposed to love our spouses for better or worse.  Well, our worse had gotten unbearable.  I blamed Todd for ruining our marriage.  I blamed him for Beckett not having a reliable father.  I blamed him for my embarrassment and the facade of a perfect life breaking down.

Todd's parents and I used the few weeks to devise a plan for Todd.  Once again, we were ready to fix him.  All of us researched and called as many places as we could.  We tried to get the "best" one and the one we thought was "right" for him.  However, none of them felt right to me.  Then, Todd's dad found this place about an hour and a half away.  It was a year long program.  You may think a year sounds like a really long time, but to me, I was excited.  Maybe Todd could be fixed this time.  Maybe he would get over his childish ways and become a man.  And maybe our family could be restored.  

If you have ever seen the show "Intervention," you know exactly what happened next.  Todd's parents and I sat down in a room with his doctor, gave his ultimatums, and asked him if he would get help.  My ultimatum was that I would leave if he didn't go.  And I was so serious when I said it.  With much hesitation, he agreed.  And then, proceeded to get the "highest" I have ever seen him for the next two days.  

I know these pictures don't have anything to do with my post, but as a proud mama, I just wanted to include it.  Since we just started our blogging experience, I didn't get to blog about the birth of Beckett when it happened, so I may include some random pictures along the way.

OH, I just can't wait to tell you the next part...It is truly where everyone can see God's plan coming together so perfectly.