the plans...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
--Jeremiah 29:11


Now it was time for all the plans. Plans in which I had absolutely nothing to do with, by my choice of course. I was however excited about the honeymoon and that planning. In the back of my mind I was extremely nervous about how I would get the pain medicine out of the country. Don't worry, even though it is dangerous I already knew I was going to try, I didn't really care if I did get in trouble. 


A few months went by and a new year had arrived, it was now the spring of 2009. In March I was let go from my job that had brought me a steady income over the past couple of years. No, it wasn't my fault. It turns out the owner was just as devious as me, stealing millions as a corporate lawyer. My unemployment only lasted for a couple weeks and I ran into the owner of one of our competitor's. He immediately hired me and, holy cow, it was a drug addicts dream job. The poor man gave me a list of billboards he needed to lease and their locations and I only had to report to him once, maybe twice a month. This is the best part, he mailed me a check for $600 every week and I probably devoted 2-5 hours to work, most of it in the early weeks driving around finding the billboards. Some weeks I did not do one thing that was work related...other than cash my check.


In February Meagan and I bought our first house. I didn't have a whole lot to do with buying it, thankfully Meagan can operate for the both of us. I would love to go work on the house, but only alone so I could take my pills, drink my beer and smoke my cigarettes without any interruption from the outside world. I always had an excuse for why it couldn't be the two of us over there.  


Moving forward to the end of May 2009 and out of the 3 guys I used to get my fix in the beginning 2 of them had overdosed and 1 is now in prison for a long time. But in my mind, I didn't need them anymore anyway (I know that sounds awful, but that is how my mind used to work). 


As I was sleeping one night my mom busted into my bedroom screaming "She's been shot, she's dead". I thought it was a crazy dream, because believe me, I had some crazy ones. It turns out that my cousin who I mentioned in the beginning had shot and killed herself. My opinion on that night was that she meant to put that gun in her mouth and she meant to pull the trigger, but I honestly believe that she didn't think the gun was loaded. People like me and her always wanted attention but never had the guts to follow through. 


Now a normal person would think, I better quit the pills, that is what got my cousin in to so much trouble. Not me I thought I would up the dosage, honestly so I wouldn't have to think about her and my life. For those of you who have never been addicted to anything, drugs were not fun for me. They stopped being fun after about a month or two. I didn't really feel like I had the option of stopping. 


Now the summer we are to be married is upon us...


After getting engaged, there are so many exciting things to think about (especially if you are a girl).  I lived my whole life conjuring up the best ideas for the wedding of my dreams.  I wanted it to happen at all costs.  I loved sharing all of my ideas with Todd and how he would just agree, no matter what.  What more could I have asked for?  


When Todd and I bought our first home, it was so exciting, but needed SO much work.  We spent from February until July fixing it up.  When I say "we," I don't necessarily mean Todd and me.  I mean Todd's parent, my parents, and me.  Todd would join us over there sometimes but was either too tired, too hot, too cold, or something else to help out.  I just chalked it up to him being lazy.  Looking back, I think to myself, "What an idiot?" but at the time, I was too embarrassed to confront him about it and I for sure wasn't going to say anything to my parents or my friends.  I was headed for a great wedding and a great marriage and I didn't want to mess anything up.  In the middle of all this, Todd lost his job.  Luckily, we were smart and bought our house and other things on my salary.  It is times like these that I know God had his hand completely over our lives.  Had we bought a home on both of our salaries, we would have never made it and ended up in much more trouble than we were already headed for.  


When Todd lost his job, it started a cycle.  He had several jobs over the next couple of years.  None of them really amounted to anything because, as you will find out, he was either fired or quit.  This affected both of us in many ways.  For me, it made me into a VERY strong-willed, stubborn, independent person.  I knew I had to take care of our family at all costs.  I knew I had to keep a steady job (it wasn't really hard for me though because I LOVED my job.)  This was another way I knew God had his hand over us the entire time.  I starting finding joy in my job instead of my husband-to-be.  When Todd wasn't energetic enough to hang out or go do something, I was able to work on schedules, orders, dances, etc.  It was my outlet.  And it brought me joy.  


There are specific things that I look back at now and wonder why I didn't realize something was really wrong.  Throughout the different jobs Todd had, he was making pretty good money.  Me, being a Type A personality, wanted us to start our marriage with no credit card debt.  Todd had a credit card that he had maxed out and I asked him to pay it off before we got married so that we would have it in case of an emergency.  He promised me he would pay it off and I knew it would be easy for him because he was living with his parents and making a decent amount of money.  He didn't have any bills to speak, so it should have worked out.  Right?  Todd told me he paid the card off.  He even said he decided to get rid of the card so we wouldn't use it.  I thought that was great.  A few months after we got married, (yes, I know I am skipping ahead a little, but I think little things like this are important to know) I found out that not only did he still have the card, he had raised the limit and it was maxed out again with overdraft charges.  This was probably the first "big" lie I found out about.