--Matthew 11:28
The next two weeks of my life were pretty much a blur. I had come home from detox and dove in where I left off. I couldn't go back to work until the drug test came back so I was pretty much on vacation. Getting high all day long every day. I would go visit my grandpa, whose stage 4 lung cancer was getting the best of him, including the incredible pain that required extremely strong pain medication. In fact the medication he was getting was usually only prescribed to terminally ill patients. I would go to see him and more times than not I would steal some pain medicine from him. As if that wasn't enough let me explain how much pain he was in; I had a really, really high tolerance for pain medication by this point and I would have to cut his dosage in half so that it didn't knock me totally out for a full day. The medicine was designed to last 72 hours. Now, when my grandpa took the medicine he was STILL IN PAIN! Looking back on this I am getting sick to my stomach explaining it, but I think it is important for someone reading this to realize that a drug addict doesn't care who they hurt or how they get their fix. I could not see past the tip of my nose.
Two weeks after the incident at work I returned to my job. For most people it would have been awkward but the pills I took daily numbed just about every emotion I had, including that one. My mom was off keeping Beckett that day and I asked her to go pick up my ADHD medication. I didn't just ask her once, I asked her several times and then I begged her to make the 35 minute drive and bring it to me in Hot Springs...yes, really. My dad called me and said that he had to run a few errands and we would just go together to get my script when I got off work. So when I got home My mom, dad, and Meagan were ready to take the ride over there. I was pretty high, because I had just gotten off work. Which in my eyes was my only responsibility at the time. Meagan had pretty much kicked me out, but to me she had given me freedom that I had wanted since the day we got married. Sad but that is just how I saw it, and I think deep down she knew that but would never have admitted it because that would mean admitting that she failed. They said we were going to go get my prescription and then going to eat, sounded great to me. When we got to the doctor's office we all went in to one of the rooms and sat down in a circle and that is when they hit me with the bombshell. I had to go to this place they had found for a whole year. I remember thinking at first "what had I done for this conclusion to be drawn?" In my mind I was doing a pretty good job of getting high and no one knowing. After a lot of tears, not because I was sad, but because deep down I knew that I was about to have to give up my pills, I agreed to do it.
Leaving the doctors office my mind was racing with ideas on how I could get out of this. I knew 2 things for sure: One is that I HAD to go somewhere for help, two was that if I found somewhere else that was at least 3 months they would probably go for it. This all happened on that Thursday. I called the office that I worked at and told him that I would be resigning and followed that with a letter. We would go to this place on Saturday so I would spend the next day going to both sets of grandparents houses and telling them what I was doing.
We woke up that morning and Meagan and I headed out to my grandparents on my dad's side, who are both in pretty good health. We ate breakfast and joked around with my cousins, but I think they could tell I wasn't really myself. The whole while we were out there my mom and dad and my aunt were looking for other places to go the next day. All they really wanted was for me to want to go somewhere. We had found a place that was going to cost several thousand dollars, but that didn't matter because my family would pay anything to 'fix' my problem for me. That particular place, to me, would have been more of a vacation, where I would have been given another set of meds, that would help me stop the ones I was taking. I knew it wasn't going to get me sober but it was going to get everyone off my back. So we told that set of grandparents and as always they just wanted me better. I said goodbye and went to see my mom's parents.
I knew from the moment we had decided to visit my grandparents that I was going to get one of my grandpas pain patches. When we got there I wasted no time but to go grab one from his hiding spot and then I took half of it. We chatted for a while and we told them the deal and like my other grandparents they just wanted me to get better. By this time it was almost a done deal that I was going to this expensive rehab. We told my grandparents goodbye and I had no idea that would be the last time I would see my grandfather ever again. We headed to my mom and dad's house. When we got there I went to the bathroom and administered the other half of the pain medicine I had stolen. I went straight to the couch and passed out.
I woke up a few hours later to my mom and dad and Meagan all sitting in the living room with me. They had a website pulled up on the computer and I remember this like it was yesterday. Meagan pointed to the website and my dad said "this is were you are going in the morning. We are leaving at 6 a.m. so get some rest". I looked at the computer for a moment and the name of this place was Victory Temple Ministries in Ft. Worth, Texas. I read on there for a minute or two and about that time it hit me that I wasn't going to be on a vacation, but quite the opposite. They said that I would have to stop taking all of my prescription and worst of all there was NO smoking. I was FURIOUS I jumped in my car and took some sleeping pills and preceded to drive around smoking cigarette after cigarette. I didn't return back home until I started falling asleep at the wheel. I "played" with Beckett for a little while, for this would be my last night with him for 6 months. I say "played" because as you can see by the video Meagan posted, I was fighting just to stay awake since the pain medicine was combined now with the sleeping pills I had just taken. After that I went to bed.
We woke up early the next morning and, according to my dad, I was still high and stumbling around, we went to mine and Meagan's house to pack my suitcase and to pick them up. I just sat outside and smoked cigs while they packed. We headed to Ft. Worth a little after 6 a.m. on Saturday, June the 11th. I got loaded before we left and packed the as many pills as I could at the bottom of my cigarette pack that morning. We stopped about every 15 to 20 miles so that I could smoke and take a couple pills. They didn't know about the pills obviously. I don't remember much about the ride down there. We stopped just shy of Dallas so that I could get my 'great' meal before going to this place that I still didn't know much about. I went to the restroom at the restaurant and administered what would be the last pain medicine I would ever take. I was feeling awesome and ready to go. I guess it hadn't really set in that I would have NO contact with the outside world for the next 30 days and then would only see them for a few hours a couple times a month.
As we got close to the Victory Home Meagan called Bobby, who is now a good friend of mine. He was the liaison for all of this. He was pretty much the reason for me going there. He had gone through the Home 2 years prior and after his 6 months there he and his wife moved from Oklahoma down to Ft. Worth so that he could stay connected with the ministry. That was crazy to me, but oh well. We arrived at the Home a little after 2 that afternoon and Bobby met us there. I stepped across the street to smoke my final cigarettes and then I was ready to be signed in. Bobby took my family down the road to see the Women's Home while I was doing the paper work. Once the paper work was done a group of about 8 or so guys took me into the chapel and then they busted out the olive oil and put some on my forehead. This was a bit odd to me, but I was so high that I didn't read too much into it. In this group of guys there was a white guy, black guy, Hispanic guy, young, old, well-dressed, and not so well dressed guys. I didn't think anything about that at the time either. They all prayed for me and then rejoiced with loud screams and praises because, they said, the kingdom of God had grown by one. "yeah yeah, I thought, whatever". After all of this was done I went out to say my goodbyes. I hugged and kissed them all and sent them on their way. As they pulled off I honestly didn't know if I would ever see Meagan or Beckett again. Also what I really had no idea of was that God was fixing to rock my world and steal my heart forever!
Here's a sweet little picture of Beckett the day before we left...
This is a picture of Beckett the morning...Todd thought he needed to wear his sunglasses.
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