the next step is to make it official...

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."
--Genesis 2:24


Another school year had passed and it was almost the summer of 2008. Things were great with Meagan. So great that I asked her dad for her hand in marriage and he agreed, with 2 conditions: That I always put Meagan first, and that I never lose sight of God as the center of our marriage. Something that I am just now living up to...


So one July night before the 2 of us had to go play church softball I decided to go by and get my parents and go to Meagan's mom and dad's house to ask her to marry me. I took a few pills to take the edge off and we headed over. We beat Meagan and her mom and dad there so we waited inside. When they got there they were running late so they all tried to rush in and go change clothes but I stopped them, grabbed Meagan's hand and dropped down to my knee like they did on the movies. Dropping to my knee was about the only thing I got right about the proposal. Since 98% of my thoughts were on the pills and entertaining my addiction, I put very, very little thought on the proposal. I just wanted to ask and be done with that part. Although it wasn't very well planned Meagan was extremely excited to say the least.


...


I remember knowing Todd was going to ask my dad for his blessings for us to get married.  I wasn't really worried about what my dad would say.  In the back of my mind, I remember thinking, "I sure hope my dad gives him some good advice on what kind of household he should have."  At the time, I didn't really think anything about that, but now, looking back, I realize that there were things missing in our relationship that I already had red flags about.  I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but I knew there was something.  


I pushed that aside, not spending much time on the thought.  I just wanted to get married.  What a fairy tale, huh?  Life would be just great then.  Todd would grow up.  He would stop partying and our life would move on as scheduled.  If you know me, you know I am a scheduler.  So, instead of worrying about things like God being the center of our relationship, I was worried about a dress, decorations, and having what I thought was the "best wedding ever."  


Saying all of this, I don't want to take away from the honest love that I felt for Todd when we were engaged.  I loved Todd more than anyone in this world the day I married him.  Sometimes I think that is why I was so blind to some of the things that were going on in him.  I regret not being more "in tune" with his demons.  Yes, I truly believe he has dealt with many demons over the past several years.  


One thing I thought was unusual was Todd's proposal.  I had spent years dreaming up different ways someone could ask me to marry them.  I was a little shocked when Todd, in front of my parents and his (in my parent's kitchen) asked me to marry him.  Now, I am not saying that I wanted a big fireworks display or anything like that, but I was a little disappointed.  It's not about the big show, it's about the thought and time that I didn't feel was spent on the actual proposal.  Looking back, I know his time was spent thinking about where he was going to get his next fix.