The beginning of the end...

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
--I Corinthians 10:13


Our life was great...for a few months. At the beginning of the summer of 2010, Meagan and I, along with her parents and mine went to Tulsa as Meagan and her dance team headed to camp. We all decided to go and make a vacation out of it. I was still unemployed and also, more importantly, I was still sober!  All of that was about to change. My parents and I decided to come back a couple days earlier than everyone else and since I had been clean and sober for a few months, I could be trusted with the house to myself.


Later that evening I was out doing some yard work when I noticed one of the neighbors out doing his usual...drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. I think I was just bored and like most addicts, who were sober for the first time in a long time, decided I could now do drugs socially and that pills could be 'fun' again. So I walked down the street and casually started chatting with the 'neighbor.' I did not waste any time in asking if he had anything for "back pain". He said yes and went inside and got me a few muscle relaxers and that was that. I didn't wake up the next morning in cold sweats so I guess to me that meant I could take pills again. I went out early to finish the yard work and it seemed like I had just gotten out there when up walked the 'neighbor.'  He told me that he had some pain meds if I wanted to buy some. My family didn't trust me with much money yet but I immediately gave him all the cash I had in exchange for the overpriced drugs and ran inside and did them.


It was on. Meagan got back late that night and I was back to my old self in just a few days. I just had a little more experience this time. It was hard for me to get money so I would volunteer to do odd jobs for my Grandpa, because he was ill with lung cancer, plus he wanted to help me because he was proud of me. Also, like the rest of my family, he was trying to do whatever he could that would help me to keep Meagan in my life because WE all knew that most girls wouldn't have hung around this long...if they only knew what else she would endure.


I got right back into my old ways and running with the old crowd. When I say running with the old crowd, I mean I was getting drugs from the same people behind Meagan's back. One of the saddest things looking back was that they all knew about my rehab. Some "friends."  Actually thinking back I can only think of ONE of them who refused to sell me anything after my stent in rehab. He was actually prescribed to them for a real injury. I used to tell him that I was going to get them regardless so he should just sell me some, but he would not do it. Now I see that it wasn't about me. The blood was not on his hands regardless of what I did.


About this same time, Meagan and I learned of some news that would change our lives forever.


...


I can't tell you how proud I was of Todd when he came home from rehab.  Now, if you have never had someone you love enter and complete any type of rehab, you will not understand what I am talking about.  You probably are even thinking, "Why in the world would she be proud of a drug addict?"  Let me tell you.  For the first time, I finally could talk to my husband and I felt like he was actually talking back to me, as himself.  He looked healthy.  His eyes were clear.  There is something about Todd's eyes.  They were always the tell-tell sign that everything was fine or my worst nightmare had happened again.  I love when his eyes are clear.  It gives me peace. And I know I can trust him.  


I really believed he had put it behind him. We were once again on a new path and a new adventure.  It was time to have that "perfect marriage."  But, after a few months, I realized I was wrong, again.  I never actually caught him with pills or saw him take them, but I knew.  We all knew.  We saw it in his eyes.  I also knew it was time to put the defense back up.  When I say defense, I'm talking REAL defense.  Defense against Todd.  Defense against friends.  Defense against family.  Everyone.  It was time for me to go into "pride mode."  I couldn't let everyone else see that my life was messed up once again.  As a teacher, you are expected to live as an example to your students.  You are expected to be a mentor and be a sounding board whenever they need help.  How was I supposed to be this kind of leader when my own husband was doing the things that I preach to kids about not doing?  That is the question I dealt with for a few years day after day. This is one of the reasons I became so independent.  If I was associated with Todd and his 'dealings,' then, how could I expect any parent to trust their child under my leadership?  So, I chose not to associate with it.  As a matter of fact, I chose to be blind to it.


Don't worry, though.  Part of my saving grace through the next two years was about to appear...