Boy oh boy...

"Who, then, are those who fear the LORD? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose. They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land. The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare."

--Psalms 25:12-15

I feel so hypocritical just looking at this picture.  We did everything we were supposed to do when I was pregnant, right down to getting maternity pictures made.  Behind our "masks," there was so much hurt, betrayal, addiction, and loneliness.  God's precious gift to us was fast approaching and in the end, changed our lives forever.  

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It was the night before Father's Day 2010 and I was out back smoking a cigarette when Meagan came running out back and said "oh my gosh, Todd get in here right now". When I got inside she pointed to a positive pregnancy test laying on the bathroom sink. At first I was in disbelief. Not that she could get pregnant, because since our lives were 'normal' again we could keep going with our "perfect" family, so about 3 weeks prior we decided to start trying.


When I saw this I was genuinely overwhelmed with happiness. In my mind I still believed that I was casually taking pills again and that I could stop whenever I wanted. I was so happy that I jumped in my car and drove to Walgreen's where I bought 3 more tests: one digital, one name-brand, and one cheap one. I called Meagan while I was gone and told her to drink 5 cups of water. When I returned she took the 3 new tests and sure enough they all said it was true. We immediately called our parents over and we told our dads that it we had their Father's Day gift. They were all extremely excited but in the back of their minds still held their reservations. Probably because, as Meagan said, you could just tell I wasn't always clearly thinking. 


So for the next couple of months we just bragged and bragged on our newest addition that was coming along. We did all the cliche stuff like pick names and colors, for each sex of course. 


During this time I decided it was time for me to go back to work and make some extra money for our growing family. I quickly got a sales job for a nation-wide trucking newspaper. The stress of the job got to me right away and my first thought was to call the mental health doctor and start my script again. So I did and he not only started me back but he upped the dosage too...all because I knew what to say to him.


I started taking everything that I had taken before. Here we go again I often thought as I shoved a handful of pills in my mouth. It wasn't long before I didn't care about the work I was doing and was let go from that job. It was time for a 'real' job with a steady income and benefits that would be best for a new family. Or at least that is what the rest of my family said. Anyone that has ever had a drug problem knows that you will do whatever your family wants in order for them to stay off your back and more importantly OUT of your business. 


So in October of 2010 I started working for a state agency in Hot Springs. At first it was great. Everyone was happy for me and it seemed like I was taking my pills with out any outside problems...life was great. 


As I got more comfortable around the people I worked with I began to feel them out and find out who the "cool" one's were and who the one's were that I could ask if they had anything for back pain. I got a few pain meds here and there but those employees that gave them to me didn't last long at all. They weren't very good at taking pills I would think to myself while watching one of them clean out her desk.


On February 17, 2011 Beckett Owen McGuire was born at 2:34 p.m. I was so happy. I had it all now. A beautiful wife, a beautiful son, and I was also able to take my happy pills again and do what I thought was function normally. I showed him off just like any proud dad would. I was done being an addict. No, I wasn't done taking the pills, just done taking them daily......yeah right. He was so much fun and it really brought us together as a family. I loved it and everything just might be okay. At first we did everything together. Then I had to go back to work. And even work went well for the next few months.

I had been working there for 8 months now and was getting really comfortable asking around for different meds and taking my pills while I was working and everything. One day while I at work I acquired several bottles of different muscle relaxers and pain pills. Nothing really that strong so I decided to open each of the 6 or so bottles and take 2 of 3 out of each one. This was during my lunch break and the next thing I remember is my boss pushing me in a wheel chair out the back door so that one of the male employees could take me down the road to a drug testing facility. 


I had passed out in my office to be found by my boss's boss. I remember giving my boss a fake phone number for Meagan when he asked. She will never know I thought. After I had been there for about 45 minutes my mom and Meagan walked through the door to find me laughing and yelling and flailing about. I did not care at the time because I knew that even if I failed, I had a bottle with each of the things I would fail for with my name on it.


I finally was able to pee in the cup and my mom and Meagan drove me back to the office to get my things so we could go home. I begged them to let me drive my car home (being a drug addict I was so excited about my score that day that I didn't want it to leave my side) so I ran and jumped in my car, which we were just going to leave at the office overnight, and Meagan ran over to get me out of the car. Finally she decided she would just drive my car home. Remember I am still really high and I reach into my console, which is right next to her arm, and try to sneak them out and move them away from her. She immediately stopped me and that is when she saw all 7 or 8 of the bottles stuffed with pills and I think for the first time all this became super real to Meagan. She had never really seen the extent of my problem until now.


We went straight back to my mom's car and headed home. We only stopped at home long enough for me to pack my bags and head to a detox center in Little Rock. It was only for 4 or 5 days but it was somewhere until my family figured out what to do with me. We got there late on a Thursday night and I got settled in. The next couple of days were rough but I made it. Monday was Memorial day and Meagan and my mom and dad came to eat with me. Towards the end of the visit the Doctor decided to draw up my discharge papers and we headed home. As soon as we got home I went straight to one of my hiding spots and took a Xanax. I had no intentions of quitting this time and actually I remember thinking about how mad I was that they flushed all that other stuff. Some dad I was. I used Beckett as an accessory. I would carry him around in public just so everyone else thought I was a great dad. Meagan and I knew the truth, but honestly I didn't care, heck I really didn't even need that responsibility anyway.


The decisions made in the next couple of weeks changed my life forever.


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One day, when Todd and I get finished telling our past, all you will see on here is posts about our baby, Beckett.  :) Until then, you will have to look back at this sweet picture and realize what a miracle baby he really is.


After Todd got finished with his first rehab stint, it was time for the "perfect" family to begin.  I was all about trying to get pregnant as soon as Todd showed me just a little bit of responsibility.  When he did, I thought, "Alright, the time has come."  This sounds so stupid now thinking back about how naive I was about the situation.  People try and try to conceive month after month, year after year, constantly having problems and are left feeling hopeless, empty, and broken.  Here I was, trying to conceive not only for my selfish reasons, but to fill the void that was left by the hurt of my husband.  I have talked about everything being intentional.  God's plans for Beckett were very intentional.  I truly believe it was easy for me to conceive because God knew the things I would go through throughout the next year and a half.  Yes, pride kept me with Todd many times, but so did our baby.  That is why Beckett is a miracle baby.  


When I saw the pregnancy test was positive, I completely was beside myself.  I didn't know whether to cry or jump up and down.  I didn't know what to do.  We immediately were ready to tell our families.  You know, honestly, I knew they were very excited, but it was like there was a big "elephant" in the room.  The elephant being Todd's past addiction to pills and the threat of him relapsing.  Little did we know, he had already relapsed.  Actually, only three days before when he met with "the neighbor."  Sickening.  I know.  


At this time, I went into straight organization mode.  Surprise, surprise.  Todd had to get a job.  He had to have good insurance because mine was so expensive.  We had to go register like a "normal" little couple that was pregnant.  We had to get the nursery in order.  We had to go see the doctor.  We HAD to do everything.  That is what you do when you are organized.  You get everything done no matter what the cost.   I paid little attention to Todd.  I didn't want to know if he was taking pills again because if he was, MY plan would fall through.  My plan being the "perfect" family.


Nine months went by fast.  On February 17, 2011 at 2:34 p.m. our precious baby was born.  Birth is so hard to describe unless you have been through, whether you were able to keep your sweet miracle or let them go.  I remember trying to get my friends to describe to me what it was like, but when they did, I never really understood until it happened.  The morning we went to the hospital to be induced, I was so excited.  It was finally my time to prove to Todd that you could go through pain without pain medication.  I wanted to be able to have Beckett without any help, including an epidural.  But, after the first 15 minutes of contractions, I had all I could handle and got my epidural.  After that though, I didn't take any pain medication.  I only took ibuprofen.  Once again, I was trying to fix Todd and by me not taking any medications, I thought he would learn that he didn't have to either.  He didn't need to be weak anymore.  Grow up.  Be a man.  Be strong.  Get over the "pain" you are having and do it alone.  Well, during the two day stay at the hospital, Todd tried to get the nurse to give him my pain medications.  He got ice packs, heating pads, heat packs, etc.  It was as if he was the one who had the baby.  


The next three and a half months were a roller coaster.  I never felt more lonely in my life than in those following months.  Although I had the rest of our families constantly surrounding us and pouring out their love over Beckett, the one person who I wanted to share it with the most, was gone.  Not physically, but emotionally and mentally.  


Tomorrow, I will be posting about some of the scary things that happened while Beckett was young and Todd was high.  I know those two descriptions should never go together, but when you live with an addict, it happens.  


Our sweet pictures were taken by Lainie Deerman.  You can visit her website here.